Today marks the one year anniversary of my official
diagnosis of diffuse large B cell lymphoma. It has been a heck of a roller
coaster ride. So much has happened this year that I would need to write a book
to tell the whole story.
One year ago today, I was in a wheelchair because the cancer
had consumed so much of the bone in the femoral neck of my left leg that if I
put my body weight on it or fell, I would have broken my leg. It would have
required surgery to fix it. The cancer had eaten so much of my humerus I couldn’t
even dress myself or wash my own hair. I was scared of what chemo was going to
do to me and how I would feel. I was scared that there was a chance that no
matter how much chemo, radiation, or other treatments I endured, that I still might
not make it out of this thing alive. I was uncertain how long my journey would
last or what it meant for my life after cancer.
Somewhere deep down, I found the courage to face these fears
to accept what was happening to me with some grace and dignity. We filled our
lives with humor instead of sadness or anger. I never asked why me; instead, I
thought why not me. I endured each procedure and step of the battle with calm
and a warrior mentality. The love and support of my friends and family made
every bit of difference to me, and helped me maintain the attitude that got me
through.
Although many people helped me in so many ways, there are a
couple people who I will never be able to repay them for what they did for me.
Two of those people are my mother and father-in-law, who always
did anything I asked of them. They always put on their warrior faces for me.
They were always accommodating and offered a place of love and warmth for my
mother and I to escape to when we needed to get out of my house. They
rearranged vacations to be around for me. I know they worried every step of the
way, but they never allowed their own feelings to take them over when I was around.
I will always cherish those times we spent together, especially Christmas and
seeing my two moms hang out!
My Papa Bear, Scott, gave my mom the freedom to move to
Washington to take care of me. He was alone in the house and had to pick up the
pieces in Arizona so my mother could take care of me. It was a huge sacrifice
for him as well, but he would never have let or wanted it to be any different.
He loves me as if I was his biological daughter, and I love him the same way.
There are no boundaries to what he would do for me or our family, and for what
he endured for me…there are no words.
My husband, who still to this day won’t tell me what he
really felt or what was going on in his head, was the model husband through it
all. He was my pillar of strength. He made me laugh when I needed it and
allowed me to cry when I need to. He went to every chemo and watched as I got
more and more sick throughout the day and into the night. I know it was not
easy for him, but he never let me see it. He handled each step with more grace
than I did. He never said no when I asked him to do something for me, no matter
what a pain in the ass it was. He even shaved my head for me! He kept our lives
going and maintained the life we built together so when I was done with this
mess, we could get on with it. I cannot imagine how I would have managed
without his love and support. He is the love of my life.
My mother! She moved from the family and her home for five
months to care for me. She was there every step of the way. I cannot imagine
how hard it must have been for her. She had taken care of and watched my
grandmother and my grandmother’s sister die of cancer, she has cancer as well,
and then to watch your daughter fight cancer??? She helped bathe me, dress me,
pushed me around in a wheelchair, and even endured a Tori Amos concert with me!
LOL! The battle we raged together saved my life, the very life she brought to
this world. The bond we forged is beyond anything I ever knew could exist. I
will never be able to repay her for what she did for me.
There are so many people who helped me in so many ways. I
don’t want to finish this post without a shout out to my sisters who bought me
supplies I needed, flowers, cards for every chemo, and visited me. Kristina and
Jenny…you are amazing and I love you both. You gave me great strength. Leah,
your cards of words of support helped me more than you will ever know.
As for today…I have just completed my fourth quarter of
nursing school and I am in Hawaii! That’s right people. I am going to celebrate
the end of my year of cancer on the beach with my very dear friend Stacey and
her family with my husband by my side. I think today is the day to finally
stand up on that surf board. I have caught some waves, but was not able to
stand up. I think we can change that! I think that will be the best anniversary
gift I could give myself, from wheelchair to wave rider!
With that said, mahalo for all your support and love this
year! Aloha!
