From Wheelchair to Wave Rider

Today marks the one year anniversary of my official diagnosis of diffuse large B cell lymphoma. It has been a heck of a roller coaster ride. So much has happened this year that I would need to write a book to tell the whole story.

One year ago today, I was in a wheelchair because the cancer had consumed so much of the bone in the femoral neck of my left leg that if I put my body weight on it or fell, I would have broken my leg. It would have required surgery to fix it. The cancer had eaten so much of my humerus I couldn’t even dress myself or wash my own hair. I was scared of what chemo was going to do to me and how I would feel. I was scared that there was a chance that no matter how much chemo, radiation, or other treatments I endured, that I still might not make it out of this thing alive. I was uncertain how long my journey would last or what it meant for my life after cancer.

Somewhere deep down, I found the courage to face these fears to accept what was happening to me with some grace and dignity. We filled our lives with humor instead of sadness or anger. I never asked why me; instead, I thought why not me. I endured each procedure and step of the battle with calm and a warrior mentality. The love and support of my friends and family made every bit of difference to me, and helped me maintain the attitude that got me through.

Although many people helped me in so many ways, there are a couple people who I will never be able to repay them for what they did for me.

Two of those people are my mother and father-in-law, who always did anything I asked of them. They always put on their warrior faces for me. They were always accommodating and offered a place of love and warmth for my mother and I to escape to when we needed to get out of my house. They rearranged vacations to be around for me. I know they worried every step of the way, but they never allowed their own feelings to take them over when I was around. I will always cherish those times we spent together, especially Christmas and seeing my two moms hang out!

My Papa Bear, Scott, gave my mom the freedom to move to Washington to take care of me. He was alone in the house and had to pick up the pieces in Arizona so my mother could take care of me. It was a huge sacrifice for him as well, but he would never have let or wanted it to be any different. He loves me as if I was his biological daughter, and I love him the same way. There are no boundaries to what he would do for me or our family, and for what he endured for me…there are no words.

My husband, who still to this day won’t tell me what he really felt or what was going on in his head, was the model husband through it all. He was my pillar of strength. He made me laugh when I needed it and allowed me to cry when I need to. He went to every chemo and watched as I got more and more sick throughout the day and into the night. I know it was not easy for him, but he never let me see it. He handled each step with more grace than I did. He never said no when I asked him to do something for me, no matter what a pain in the ass it was. He even shaved my head for me! He kept our lives going and maintained the life we built together so when I was done with this mess, we could get on with it. I cannot imagine how I would have managed without his love and support. He is the love of my life.

My mother! She moved from the family and her home for five months to care for me. She was there every step of the way. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for her. She had taken care of and watched my grandmother and my grandmother’s sister die of cancer, she has cancer as well, and then to watch your daughter fight cancer??? She helped bathe me, dress me, pushed me around in a wheelchair, and even endured a Tori Amos concert with me! LOL! The battle we raged together saved my life, the very life she brought to this world. The bond we forged is beyond anything I ever knew could exist. I will never be able to repay her for what she did for me.

There are so many people who helped me in so many ways. I don’t want to finish this post without a shout out to my sisters who bought me supplies I needed, flowers, cards for every chemo, and visited me. Kristina and Jenny…you are amazing and I love you both. You gave me great strength. Leah, your cards of words of support helped me more than you will ever know.

As for today…I have just completed my fourth quarter of nursing school and I am in Hawaii! That’s right people. I am going to celebrate the end of my year of cancer on the beach with my very dear friend Stacey and her family with my husband by my side. I think today is the day to finally stand up on that surf board. I have caught some waves, but was not able to stand up. I think we can change that! I think that will be the best anniversary gift I could give myself, from wheelchair to wave rider!

With that said, mahalo for all your support and love this year! Aloha!