Accomplishing and Accepting!

First off, if you took me up on my challenge of doing something for yourself...how did it go? I have not gotten to quilting yet, but everything else I have either done or have plans for. I am going to try to fit quilting in this next week. 

Wow! What an amazing and yet difficult 3 weeks it has been for me. School has been super crazy. Our schedule last week alone just about killed me. It was busy enough, but I also wound up having to squeeze in an MRI appointment because a mix up at the doctor’s office and had my oncology appointment as well. Everything considered…I feel good about declaring that I kicked serious butt!

My oncology appointment went well. I am still cancer free, and we have made a plan for how to move forward with my follow ups and trying to conceive. She feels comfortable with Alan’s and my plans, which makes me happy. If she were not comfortable with it, I would have to reconsider and the fact she is comfortable means that things are progressing as well as could be. My next appointment will be in April…my one year anniversary of my last chemo and being officially cancer free! I cannot wait!

School has been a challenge so far. There was so much information covered in such a short amount of time. Our first exam covered over 800 pages, or 23 chapters, of information. No I did not learn everything. There is no conceivable way to have learned it all unless you have a super computer brain and/or have photographic memory. I wish I had photographic memory! It sure would make things easier! We also had all of our orientations for clinical. I also had to attend my prenatal/birth class. It was a lot. I still managed an 88% on my test. I am very happy with that, especially when considering all the other things I am trying to accomplish this quarter.

Which reminds me….

I have accomplished all but one of the tasks I needed to accomplish by now! I have lost 5 lbs in the last 10 days. This is especially awesome since I have the propensity to gain weight while in school. I did not have a specific weight loss goal for the last 10 days particularly, but I did want to add 2-3 extra workouts a week and eat better. I have done that. I think my weight loss is a good measure of how well I am doing with those goals. I wanted to pass all my tests for the first 30 days of school (short term goal), and so far so good. I also wanted to find 3 ways of loving myself in a healthy way and incorporate it into my routine somehow. The exercise and eating was one, spending quality time with myself was another, and getting back to photography was the other. I make myself spend at least 15 minutes every day checking in with me, and I have plans to meet up with some other photographers for a photo day in Seattle and to meet up with some old photo buddies for a night out. The one task I have not done well with was from my list of 34. I have not found it easy to try one new recipe a week. I think I might actually revise that to trying a new recipe every two weeks. That seems more realistic with my schedule right now. I might change that back after school is over.

One more thing I have been working on is accepting myself…not just the things I like but the things I don’t like as well. This is actually something I have been doing for a while, but thought that today would be a good day to share a couple of the things I have come to accept. Today’s things are not hard to share…I may share others later. For today my acceptance items are:

 I am a cheesy person. That’s right…I love hallmark cards and cheesy song lyrics. I like gooey romantic gestures and corny quotes. I don’t like it with everything, but deep down my soul is made of proverbial aged gouda and young brie!

I am an emotional sap and can cry at the drop of a hat! This one I really have hated at times, but actually I like being a sap. I have true and deep feelings. I am easily touched by the good in this world be it a simple gesture or one of those cheesy movies I like. I don’t mind showing that vulnerability anymore.

I judge others harshly and lash out when I feel wronged by them. This is something I am accepting in myself, but also working on changing. Just because I accept something about myself does not mean I have to continue to let that be a part of me. This is a defense mechanism I have built in myself for who knows how long and I am learning to let it go. I recognize this feeling and its actions as part of who I have become, but I do not want it to be part of who I am becoming.

All in all, I feel good about where I am right now. I still have a lot of hard work ahead of me in so many facets of my life, but I am looking forward to the challenges. I may not have an impressive house, an awesome car, or even the things I want for myself right now but I am happy. Today, that is all I need!

So that will be my next challenge to you! Have you completely accepted yourself, flaws and all? I may be obese, but I love my body! I am working hard to change it to be better, but I still love it! Can you say the same thing? What is it about yourself that you don't accept and can you find a way to accept it? Or, do you truly accept yourself already? It's something to think about..

A challenge for you!

This year has barely started and I am already up to my neck with all the things I want to do! I have spent the last week learning, soul searching, and planning. It is exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. I will get my body bugg tomorrow! I also plan on getting my first workout of the year done. I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, but as I have just finished my second seminar, went to Year of Your Dreams, starting a new quarter at school, and find myself in a good place to get some things started…now is as good of a time as any to move forward with my plans.

One of the biggest things I am working on right now is finding healthy ways of loving myself. It is easy to forget to do that with school and so many other priorities to just get back to me and doing the things I love. One thing I promised myself is that I would get back to photography. It’s been a long time. I think I needed a grieving period to let go of the dream of the career I so desperately wanted but found it did not work with my situation or the situation of my family. I feel like I am a different person now. I honestly don’t even know what my photographic point of view is anymore. I am looking forward to figuring it all out now!  I also have switched the way I view exercising. I start that tomorrow. It will be 30 minutes of loving myself for sure! LOL…I also want to get back to quilting. I love doing it. Time will be a factor for all these things, but I don’t have to spend a whole day doing it. An hour here or there should be just fine.

I now challenge you! What are the things that you love doing that you have put off? We all do it. Life gets busy with work, kids, house work, etc. The things we love to do for ourselves eventually go out the door with the garbage. I challenge you to spend one hour a week doing something for yourself you haven’t done in a long time that is just for you. You will be surprised how much that will help! I promise.

I have started my next thing on my list of 34! It is something that I will not be able to cross of until the end of the year, but that is ok. My task was to make a new recipe from one of m healthy cookbooks every week. I am making a vegetarian chili from one of my cookbooks tomorrow. Sunday is my cooking day traditionally, but things had to change a little and I am making it tomorrow instead. I did go grocery shopping though and have everything I need. I will let you all know how it goes. One thing I am feeling kind of sketchy about is that it has mushrooms in it. I hate mushrooms, but hey…it’s time to start trying new things and maybe even acquiring a taste for others!

Year of Your Dreams was cool. It really helped motivate me and set up my intentions for the year. Everyone comes up with a “stake” which is kind of like a motto to keep you motivated. Mine is just like me…cheesy, and I love it! Mine is “Future songs and flying dreams” and comes from a song that means a lot to me right now. Really that is what this year is for me…finally accomplishing some dreams, moving forward into a beautiful life, and starting our family. I cannot wait! 

Context, school, and future plans!

There are too many things to tell you all about today! I don’t even really know where to start, but I think I will start with last weekend…

Last Friday, I embarked on the second of three seminars I am doing with Context International. The seminars are meant to help a person find more fulfillment in their life and help the person get better results in their endeavors. What each person gets out of the seminars is different, and you drive what is important to you. I love that. There is not one person I know that could not benefit from going to these seminars!

 I got every bit out of this weekend I could have ever wanted and more. Anyone who knows me knows about my struggles with food, but there are always other struggles I don’t share…believe it or not! Lol. The two seminars I have been to have already enriched my life so much. I have really been able to work on the relationships in my life that have not been so healthy. I have been able to learn different ways of dealing with conflict, and this weekend I feel I found the root of my issues within myself. Now, Context is not therapy, nor are they trying to fix “broken” people. They really are about helping you find the most successful path for you in your life and teaching you how to get back on the path if you wonder off of it. It is through learning about how to best do these things that I had my “Aha” moment.  It was so simple that I even thought to myself, “Well, why didn’t I think of that before?” The truth is going through those exercises really force you to look at you, and through sharing experiences and thoughts with the group you support and are supported by those around you.  It is truly an amazing experience. I felt truly bonded with the people in my group. So many of them are so brave and are truly amazing people.

So what did I find out?

The first thing I found was what my driving needs are. We all have them, and we get those needs met whether we know it or not. Finding what your driving needs are helps a person decide if the decisions they are making are actually beneficial for them or not. If something you choose to do fits your driving needs, then you can get those needs met in a positive, intentional way. If it doesn’t fit your driving needs, is it something you really need to be doing? Some of my driving needs are novelty, creativity, and intimacy. Feel free to ask me the rest of them, if you are interested.

You also figure out your purpose. Knowing your purpose also helps you decide if the decisions you are making are moving you towards your ultimate purpose. Without knowing your purpose, you are like a ship without a sail. Most of us have portions of our purpose together, but many don’t have the full picture. I really liked this portion of the seminar.

Well, I also realized that many of the things I do for or to myself are what I have learned to do to love myself. Many of these things are extremely unhealthy for me physically and/or many times emotionally unhealthy too. For the longest time I have been trying to figure out why I do some of the things I do, even when I hate that I do it. I won’t say it is a compulsion necessarily, but it isn’t too far off. Somewhere down the road, this has become what loving myself is. Knowing this is so powerful to me. I have a new way to see the things I do and am empowered to change it. I felt so hopeless before, but now I am energized and can’t wait to do the work to finally love myself in a healthy way!

This is the analogy that I use to describe my situation. I see my relationship with myself as a dysfunctional mother/daughter relationship. There is the child being loved and cared for and the mother doing the loving and caring. The mother part of me has indulged the child. The child has become the spoiled brat who wants whatever she wants when she wants it. I even named the child…her name is Honey Booboo! That’s right! She is the self-indulgent, undisciplined, bratty princess living inside me. It is time for the tough love! The work will still be hard, but this makes it a little easier for me to know what the root cause is.

So enough of the Context talk…let’s talk SCHOOL!

I have my first day of the quarter yesterday. This first 3 weeks are going to be horrible! It’s ok though. I will be fine, it will just be very time consuming. I won’t have time for anything else but school for a little while, but all things are temporary, right? I am really excited though. This is the mother/baby-pediatric section of school. I am invested now for two reasons. I want to work pediatrics, so of course I am interested in the material and experiences I will get this quarter with that. We don’t really touch base on any oncology, but that is ok. I will get there in the real world anyway. Of course I am interested in the mother/baby portion, especially now that Alan and I decided to start trying to have a baby in the fall. It is all so exciting. I really have vested interest in what we are learning this quarter! It is going to be great. I am so looking forward to doing clinicals too.

Also…I have some more old friends in my class now!!! So exciting! A few people from my old class who had to leave the program for one reason or another have landed in my current class! I love it. There are a couple of people in my new class who are nice to me, but for the most part this class really has not accepted me into their ranks. Our class was kind of the same with people who came in from a class ahead of ours, so I don’t hold any ill will towards my new classmates. It is so nice though to have some old friendly faces…especially Bob! I love Bob!

One last thing and then I will stop rambling on! I made my memory jar! It is the first thing on my list of 34 that I accomplished. It didn’t turn out like I wanted it too, but it will do the job. That is one thing I am working on…not putting off doing something because I can’t do it the way I wanted.  I did have to revise my list since Alan and I made the decision of starting our family, but I only had to change one thing. Not too bad.  So I will leave you with my updated list of 34 and wish you all a happy 2013!

My 34

1.       Can a food product (learn to can food)

2.       Take a cake decorating class

3.       Visit a mosque

4.       Go to Amerawcan Bistro

5.       Learn to knit something besides a simple scarf

6.       Go skydiving

7.       Make an herb garden

8.       Do a photography project over the summer

9.       Learn to belly dance

10.   Start my healthy living support group

11.   Carve Alan’s and my initials in a tree with a heart

12.   Prank someone…and hopefully not start a prank war

13.   Rearrange and decorate my house

14.   Go camping somewhere new

15.   Do something meaningful and significant for someone without taking credit or getting acknowledged

16.   Go vegetarian for one month

17.   Make my own melted crayon art

18.   Get involved with or raise money for the Ronald McDonald House

19.   Try a new recipe a week from my healthy cookbooks

20.   Attend the marriage of a gay couple!

21.   Make a memory jar for 2013 completed Jan 1, 2013

22.   Find out how to get involved with the local community theater

23.   Start learning how to play my keyboard

24.   Party hard for the celebration of my 1 year after chemo anniversary

25.   Write a letter to my parents to tell them exactly how I feel

26.   Go to Ballard Lochs

27.   Do a double under 5 times in a row

28.   Get to and maintain my ideal weight

29.   Go to the farmers market and try 3 different veggies I have never had before

30.   Read a book series I have not read and not feel guilty that I should be studying instead!

31.   Go tubing!

32.   Find a job

33.   Do a 5k run

34.   TTC – try to conceive