Leaning in!!!!

You know...I am still searching for something. I don't know what it is. I still feel like I am not reaching the potential I have in me. I am not living to the fullest. Maybe it is because I am still in school and feel stuck in it. I really can't focus on anything else right now. I have less than 2 months to go, but still. I think that because I should have graduated over 4 months ago, my brain and body are beyond over it already. It wasn't like I took a pleasure cruise during my time off either. Don't get me wrong, I have had great vacations along the way; but chemo was not really the break that would have been nice to have. Except for my medically induced  time off of school, I have been hitting it hard for almost 4 years now. I am really ready to be done!

I have a lot of little nitnoid tasks to accomplish. I need to just spend one day and get them all out of the way! Maybe Monday after class. I have a bunch of things to email people, clinical paperwork to finish, projects to get started, and I have to start the process to take my NCLEX and get my license! I think I will feel better once I am done with that. I won't have some many little nagging things floating around in my brain.

This weekend should be really good. I am going to spend the weekend with my girlfriend and fellow classmate, Michelle. We are going to study all day tomorrow then I am taking her out on the town tomorrow night. I can't wait. I have such a fun night planned. It is going to be a fishy realness extravaganza! Then more studying on Sunday. Hope Michelle can study with a hangover, because girl I am driving!

Things are going very well at my preceptorship! I am loving every minute of it, and can only hope to be one of the few nurses they might hire with an associates instead of a bachelors. One way or another I will work there, even if I have to gain experience and finish my degree first. I will get there.

Alan and I went looking at things for remodeling the house today. It is weird because we are not even sure we will be staying in the house. Some of the things we need to do, but others are things we would like to do if we stay there or might make the house look nicer if we decide to sell. That all depends on where I get a job though. If I get a job in Seattle, we are moving pretty soon. It is questionable if we will move if I get a job in Tacoma, and we won't move if I find something close to here. I need everyone to cross their fingers, toes, whatever you can cross, and prayer to whatever deity you pray to, or send me good vibes that I get a job in Seattle! It will take persistence and maybe even a miracle, but it is what I want.

There is also the opportunity for BSN (bachelors) maybe this September. Bellevue College is going to start a new program in the fall. They are staying pretty tight lipped about it since they have not actually received approval from the state for it yet. I am hoping that I can apply and will be accepted. That I can put on my resume and it could help me get that job I want in Seattle. It also complicates timelines on other things I want to do, but we will work around it best we can. Getting a bachelors is becoming ever more important in nursing.

Well, I have rambled on enough...
Until we meet again hunties!

One year and counting!

Today is a glorious day. It doesn't even matter that the sun will most likely not come out to greet me today. It is my one year anniversary of my last chemo! My care team did their job of getting rid of the stuff, now I need to do my best to keep it from coming back. 

This year has been the proverbial and cliché roller coaster ride. It was different than I thought it would be, you know…picking up the pieces. It was much more difficult that I thought it would be, but it’s ok. I have been and still am up for the challenges of what this life has in store for me.

What have I come out of this with, what have I learned?

I have learned that it is not worth holding a grudge. It’s toxic to my body and my soul. I am still working on this one, but have put my past grudges and resentments behind me. What I am working on is not allowing myself to create new ones. It’s a hard thing to do when I have done it all my life.

I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I love nursing. It is in my very being. I feel at home when I am at my clinical site this quarter. It is the first time I have felt exactly this way in the whole program. I worked really hard to get back to the nursing program and have worked even harder to do well. It hasn’t always been easy, and my stress levels and waist line have taken a hit for it; however, I have less than 3 months to go and the stress level will come down and the so will the waist line!

I am much clearer about what I want in my life; where I want to live, what I want to do, how I want to live, etc. I know who I am, who I want to be, and I know I am on my way. I think that the next year will see a vast improvement in me. This year was about getting my life back together. This next year will be about making that life all it should be. I want to be more daring, live life to the very fullest, to be silly and not afraid to be laughed at, and be more kind and loving. I have been working on these, but I will be better able to lean into it more once I am not so focused on school.

I love so much more deeply than I ever have. The way I feel for the people who have been there for me in the ways that I needed them to throughout all this cancer stuff will never know what they mean to me. I hold these people above all others. I am amazed at the friendships I made and the closeness I found with others. Although there may be a distancing for those who were not there for me the way I needed, there is still a lot of love for those I call friends and family. The bond between Alan and me is more than I could have ever imagined, and I have a completely different bond with my mother than I even knew existed.

I know my dark side better than I thought I would too. I don’t consider this a bad thing. I think that we need to understand that side of ourselves. Knowing that side helps us change what we need to change, but also lets us know when something is wrong before it is a crisis. It has helped me know what I can survive as well. Life isn’t all rainbows and sausages.

More than anything, I am just happy to be here today. I still have so much to offer this world and so much to experience and learn. I am ready to put on my big girl panties and grab life by the cojones!

Mexican food, cupcakes, and nursey stuff

Well, I am doing ok on the healthy front. Yesterday Alan and I had an impromptu date and ate yummy, not healthy food. I'm not sorry about it! We had a great night. We almost always wind up at Poquitos, on Capital Hill. It’s our favorite. 

Then we tried Cupcake Royale for desert. They has some very interesting food items there! I found the compost cupcake fun, but went for the tiramisu cupcake instead. It was really good. Alan and I both really liked the place. Then we ended the night with some good beer at Elysian Brewing on Pike. 

I took a couple of days off of jogging due to starting my clinicals. I am working a 7pm-7:30am shift. It's kind of messing with me. It has been a long time since I worked a 12 hour shift and to do it during the evening whilst the rest of my schedule remains on a day schedule is...interesting. I am definitely NOT 22 anymore! I will start the jogs back up tomorrow.

My clinicals! I had the most amazing night. I will admit to being insecure about doing a preceptorship after not having done med/surg patient care for more than year. I was honestly surprised that I was even selected for a preceptorship, though Alan would say he wasn’t. He always has unwavering faith in me, which carries it’s own intimidation factor. At any rate, I did really well. It was like riding a bike. I did the majority of the patient care while being shadowed by my preceptor for most of the shift. At the end of the night, she told me she was very impressed with how well I did on my first day. Now I need to keep pushing, learning, and make a big impression in hope to get a reference, at a minimum. Hopefully, I may even get a job out of it. I will not hold my breath, but I would love to work there!

Schedule changes and hurt feelings...oh boy!

Yesterday was so nice, I decided to take Loki on our 5 mile walk we do often in the summer. I didn’t even have to wear a sweater. It is so nice to have the sun come out and play with us. We really enjoyed the day.

Today is a different story. The clouds are back, and what warmth the sun offered is now being soaked up by the tops of the cloud cover. It almost doesn’t seem fair that the clouds get all the sun warmth, but what’s a girl to do? I still have to go out and do my jog. I am not looking forward to it, however.

I have my first 12 hour shift at my preceptorship this Saturday. As excited as I am to get started, it is a night shift, 7pm-7:30am. I have been trying to stay up later and sleep a little longer in the morning. It isn’t working out as well as I had hoped. Alan has been getting up for training he is doing in the daytime this week. He isn’t used to having to be quiet. He does do his best, but between me not being used to sleeping while someone else is up and his not quite so ninja like techniques of getting ready, I am up late but also up early. I am tired.

I can’t allow this tiredness to be the excuse not to get my jog in. This is why I am telling you today…to keep me honest and doing it. I don’t want to have to say I didn’t do it tomorrow.  I could easily just lie around and be lazy. I know that is exactly what my body wants to do, but what I am going to do is finish the breakfast I am eating while I am typing this, feed the animals, and then go for my jog. My heart may not be 100% in it, but at least I will be doing it! Besides, Loki will start driving me crazy if I don’t do something with him soon.

Confession time…I have recently had my feelings very hurt by someone about my weight. Look, I get it. I am fat. I haven’t followed through with all the things I want to do, but give me a break. I am trying at least. It isn’t easy for me. I have over 30 years of habits and stress management tools to breakdown and replace while doing what I consider is the most stressful thing I have ever done. Seriously, nursing school is even more stressful than having cancer was. At least with cancer my world stopped and my only focus was myself and getting better. That isn’t true anymore, and it is hard to change my eating and exercise habits when they are what I use to help manage stress.

It doesn’t help when people do and say hurtful things. Actually, it makes it harder when the people who matter are the ones saying and doing the hurtful things. What do I care if someone I don’t know or like calls me fat? I will not have a fair shake with them anyway, but when someone who knows you and knows the struggles you go through and all the great things you achieve does it, it really hurts. Despite all my good qualities and accomplishments, I am still embarrassing to you because I am fat. It’s enough to make a girl want a brownie…or a dozen. It certainly can take the wind out of your sails. Honestly, it has a little, but I am going to move forward and not let my Honey Booboo use my hurt feelings as an excuse to not move forward. That is my MO, my way of rebelling against those types of people. I have this thing inside me that sometimes thinks, “You think I am fat now…you just wait!” But in the end, that only hurts me more.

Enough of my pity party, I have a dog who is not so subtly telling me it is time for his walk and I have to get ready for my day. Have a great day everyone…

A healthy start with hope for a healthy end...literally and figuratively

Well, here I go again. I am at the beginning of my last quarter of nursing school, and like all other quarters I am trying find a way to be healthy, fit, and do what I need to do this quarter. I always tend to overdo it and fail miserably with being healthy and fit. This time I am trying to learn from my past experiences and find that balance I have been looking for. Part of why I failed so hard last quarter was because I was working out 1.5-2 hours 5-6 days a week plus doing our 3 mile walk every day. When you add the time I spent doing that with shopping, cooking, organizing, and packing meals I was not putting enough time to school work. Essentially, I was spending and average 4-5 hours a day just exercising and dealing with food.

Here’s the plan for now. It’s a twofold process. First, I am going to make the healthiest food choices I can. I will allow myself to have some fun on occasion, but for the most part I am looking for nutrient rich food. The food doesn’t have to be fat free or low fat, I just want it to be healthy. Second, I am also going to start jogging. My goal is to jog 3-4 times a week for no more than 30 minutes. My hope is to increase my distance in this time period, but limit myself to the amount of time I workout. I am actually starting with 20 minutes and then moving to 30 minutes as soon as I can go the 20 minutes without stopping. Let’s face it, I am not fit and I feel the need to ease into the jogging a little. Alan and I hope to fit in a long and difficult hike in once a week as the weather and time permits.

With that said, I did do my first day of jogging today. I did better than I thought I would. I think I might even be up to 30 minutes next week. Hopefully today wasn’t just beginners luck! I also spent the weekend shopping and preparing food for the week. I didn’t get it all made, but got enough made that I am doing well. Today is day two for eating well. Alan and I are working hard to support each other and keep each other on the right track. He hasn’t had a diet soda in a month, and really I think that is super awesome!

In the end, I just hope to find a healthy balance in my life. I need to really kick my health into gear, but I need to get through school first. I only have 3 months left.  If I can just find a place where I am taking better care of myself and not letting my grades slip in the process I will be happy.