One year and counting!

Today is a glorious day. It doesn't even matter that the sun will most likely not come out to greet me today. It is my one year anniversary of my last chemo! My care team did their job of getting rid of the stuff, now I need to do my best to keep it from coming back. 

This year has been the proverbial and cliché roller coaster ride. It was different than I thought it would be, you know…picking up the pieces. It was much more difficult that I thought it would be, but it’s ok. I have been and still am up for the challenges of what this life has in store for me.

What have I come out of this with, what have I learned?

I have learned that it is not worth holding a grudge. It’s toxic to my body and my soul. I am still working on this one, but have put my past grudges and resentments behind me. What I am working on is not allowing myself to create new ones. It’s a hard thing to do when I have done it all my life.

I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I love nursing. It is in my very being. I feel at home when I am at my clinical site this quarter. It is the first time I have felt exactly this way in the whole program. I worked really hard to get back to the nursing program and have worked even harder to do well. It hasn’t always been easy, and my stress levels and waist line have taken a hit for it; however, I have less than 3 months to go and the stress level will come down and the so will the waist line!

I am much clearer about what I want in my life; where I want to live, what I want to do, how I want to live, etc. I know who I am, who I want to be, and I know I am on my way. I think that the next year will see a vast improvement in me. This year was about getting my life back together. This next year will be about making that life all it should be. I want to be more daring, live life to the very fullest, to be silly and not afraid to be laughed at, and be more kind and loving. I have been working on these, but I will be better able to lean into it more once I am not so focused on school.

I love so much more deeply than I ever have. The way I feel for the people who have been there for me in the ways that I needed them to throughout all this cancer stuff will never know what they mean to me. I hold these people above all others. I am amazed at the friendships I made and the closeness I found with others. Although there may be a distancing for those who were not there for me the way I needed, there is still a lot of love for those I call friends and family. The bond between Alan and me is more than I could have ever imagined, and I have a completely different bond with my mother than I even knew existed.

I know my dark side better than I thought I would too. I don’t consider this a bad thing. I think that we need to understand that side of ourselves. Knowing that side helps us change what we need to change, but also lets us know when something is wrong before it is a crisis. It has helped me know what I can survive as well. Life isn’t all rainbows and sausages.

More than anything, I am just happy to be here today. I still have so much to offer this world and so much to experience and learn. I am ready to put on my big girl panties and grab life by the cojones!