Yesterday was so nice, I decided to take Loki on our 5 mile
walk we do often in the summer. I didn’t even have to wear a sweater. It is so
nice to have the sun come out and play with us. We really enjoyed the day.
Today is a different story. The clouds are back, and what
warmth the sun offered is now being soaked up by the tops of the cloud cover. It
almost doesn’t seem fair that the clouds get all the sun warmth, but what’s a
girl to do? I still have to go out and do my jog. I am not looking forward to
it, however.
I have my first 12 hour shift at my preceptorship this
Saturday. As excited as I am to get started, it is a night shift, 7pm-7:30am. I
have been trying to stay up later and sleep a little longer in the morning. It
isn’t working out as well as I had hoped. Alan has been getting up for training
he is doing in the daytime this week. He isn’t used to having to be quiet. He
does do his best, but between me not being used to sleeping while someone else is
up and his not quite so ninja like techniques of getting ready, I am up late but
also up early. I am tired.
I can’t allow this tiredness to be the excuse not to get my
jog in. This is why I am telling you today…to keep me honest and doing it. I don’t
want to have to say I didn’t do it tomorrow.
I could easily just lie around and be lazy. I know that is exactly what
my body wants to do, but what I am going to do is finish the breakfast I am
eating while I am typing this, feed the animals, and then go for my jog. My
heart may not be 100% in it, but at least I will be doing it! Besides, Loki
will start driving me crazy if I don’t do something with him soon.
Confession time…I have recently had my feelings very hurt by
someone about my weight. Look, I get it. I am fat. I haven’t followed through
with all the things I want to do, but give me a break. I am trying at least. It
isn’t easy for me. I have over 30 years of habits and stress management tools
to breakdown and replace while doing what I consider is the most stressful
thing I have ever done. Seriously, nursing school is even more stressful than
having cancer was. At least with cancer my world stopped and my only focus was
myself and getting better. That isn’t true anymore, and it is hard to change my
eating and exercise habits when they are what I use to help manage stress.
It doesn’t help when people do and say hurtful things. Actually,
it makes it harder when the people who matter are the ones saying and doing the
hurtful things. What do I care if someone I don’t know or like calls me fat? I
will not have a fair shake with them anyway, but when someone who knows you and
knows the struggles you go through and all the great things you achieve does
it, it really hurts. Despite all my good qualities and accomplishments, I am
still embarrassing to you because I am fat. It’s enough to make a girl want a
brownie…or a dozen. It certainly can take the wind out of your sails. Honestly,
it has a little, but I am going to move forward and not let my Honey Booboo use
my hurt feelings as an excuse to not move forward. That is my MO, my way of
rebelling against those types of people. I have this thing inside me that
sometimes thinks, “You think I am fat now…you just wait!” But in the end, that
only hurts me more.
Enough of my pity party, I have a dog who is not so subtly telling
me it is time for his walk and I have to get ready for my day. Have a great day
everyone…
No comments:
Post a Comment