Context, school, and future plans!

There are too many things to tell you all about today! I don’t even really know where to start, but I think I will start with last weekend…

Last Friday, I embarked on the second of three seminars I am doing with Context International. The seminars are meant to help a person find more fulfillment in their life and help the person get better results in their endeavors. What each person gets out of the seminars is different, and you drive what is important to you. I love that. There is not one person I know that could not benefit from going to these seminars!

 I got every bit out of this weekend I could have ever wanted and more. Anyone who knows me knows about my struggles with food, but there are always other struggles I don’t share…believe it or not! Lol. The two seminars I have been to have already enriched my life so much. I have really been able to work on the relationships in my life that have not been so healthy. I have been able to learn different ways of dealing with conflict, and this weekend I feel I found the root of my issues within myself. Now, Context is not therapy, nor are they trying to fix “broken” people. They really are about helping you find the most successful path for you in your life and teaching you how to get back on the path if you wonder off of it. It is through learning about how to best do these things that I had my “Aha” moment.  It was so simple that I even thought to myself, “Well, why didn’t I think of that before?” The truth is going through those exercises really force you to look at you, and through sharing experiences and thoughts with the group you support and are supported by those around you.  It is truly an amazing experience. I felt truly bonded with the people in my group. So many of them are so brave and are truly amazing people.

So what did I find out?

The first thing I found was what my driving needs are. We all have them, and we get those needs met whether we know it or not. Finding what your driving needs are helps a person decide if the decisions they are making are actually beneficial for them or not. If something you choose to do fits your driving needs, then you can get those needs met in a positive, intentional way. If it doesn’t fit your driving needs, is it something you really need to be doing? Some of my driving needs are novelty, creativity, and intimacy. Feel free to ask me the rest of them, if you are interested.

You also figure out your purpose. Knowing your purpose also helps you decide if the decisions you are making are moving you towards your ultimate purpose. Without knowing your purpose, you are like a ship without a sail. Most of us have portions of our purpose together, but many don’t have the full picture. I really liked this portion of the seminar.

Well, I also realized that many of the things I do for or to myself are what I have learned to do to love myself. Many of these things are extremely unhealthy for me physically and/or many times emotionally unhealthy too. For the longest time I have been trying to figure out why I do some of the things I do, even when I hate that I do it. I won’t say it is a compulsion necessarily, but it isn’t too far off. Somewhere down the road, this has become what loving myself is. Knowing this is so powerful to me. I have a new way to see the things I do and am empowered to change it. I felt so hopeless before, but now I am energized and can’t wait to do the work to finally love myself in a healthy way!

This is the analogy that I use to describe my situation. I see my relationship with myself as a dysfunctional mother/daughter relationship. There is the child being loved and cared for and the mother doing the loving and caring. The mother part of me has indulged the child. The child has become the spoiled brat who wants whatever she wants when she wants it. I even named the child…her name is Honey Booboo! That’s right! She is the self-indulgent, undisciplined, bratty princess living inside me. It is time for the tough love! The work will still be hard, but this makes it a little easier for me to know what the root cause is.

So enough of the Context talk…let’s talk SCHOOL!

I have my first day of the quarter yesterday. This first 3 weeks are going to be horrible! It’s ok though. I will be fine, it will just be very time consuming. I won’t have time for anything else but school for a little while, but all things are temporary, right? I am really excited though. This is the mother/baby-pediatric section of school. I am invested now for two reasons. I want to work pediatrics, so of course I am interested in the material and experiences I will get this quarter with that. We don’t really touch base on any oncology, but that is ok. I will get there in the real world anyway. Of course I am interested in the mother/baby portion, especially now that Alan and I decided to start trying to have a baby in the fall. It is all so exciting. I really have vested interest in what we are learning this quarter! It is going to be great. I am so looking forward to doing clinicals too.

Also…I have some more old friends in my class now!!! So exciting! A few people from my old class who had to leave the program for one reason or another have landed in my current class! I love it. There are a couple of people in my new class who are nice to me, but for the most part this class really has not accepted me into their ranks. Our class was kind of the same with people who came in from a class ahead of ours, so I don’t hold any ill will towards my new classmates. It is so nice though to have some old friendly faces…especially Bob! I love Bob!

One last thing and then I will stop rambling on! I made my memory jar! It is the first thing on my list of 34 that I accomplished. It didn’t turn out like I wanted it too, but it will do the job. That is one thing I am working on…not putting off doing something because I can’t do it the way I wanted.  I did have to revise my list since Alan and I made the decision of starting our family, but I only had to change one thing. Not too bad.  So I will leave you with my updated list of 34 and wish you all a happy 2013!

My 34

1.       Can a food product (learn to can food)

2.       Take a cake decorating class

3.       Visit a mosque

4.       Go to Amerawcan Bistro

5.       Learn to knit something besides a simple scarf

6.       Go skydiving

7.       Make an herb garden

8.       Do a photography project over the summer

9.       Learn to belly dance

10.   Start my healthy living support group

11.   Carve Alan’s and my initials in a tree with a heart

12.   Prank someone…and hopefully not start a prank war

13.   Rearrange and decorate my house

14.   Go camping somewhere new

15.   Do something meaningful and significant for someone without taking credit or getting acknowledged

16.   Go vegetarian for one month

17.   Make my own melted crayon art

18.   Get involved with or raise money for the Ronald McDonald House

19.   Try a new recipe a week from my healthy cookbooks

20.   Attend the marriage of a gay couple!

21.   Make a memory jar for 2013 completed Jan 1, 2013

22.   Find out how to get involved with the local community theater

23.   Start learning how to play my keyboard

24.   Party hard for the celebration of my 1 year after chemo anniversary

25.   Write a letter to my parents to tell them exactly how I feel

26.   Go to Ballard Lochs

27.   Do a double under 5 times in a row

28.   Get to and maintain my ideal weight

29.   Go to the farmers market and try 3 different veggies I have never had before

30.   Read a book series I have not read and not feel guilty that I should be studying instead!

31.   Go tubing!

32.   Find a job

33.   Do a 5k run

34.   TTC – try to conceive

From Wheelchair to Wave Rider

Today marks the one year anniversary of my official diagnosis of diffuse large B cell lymphoma. It has been a heck of a roller coaster ride. So much has happened this year that I would need to write a book to tell the whole story.

One year ago today, I was in a wheelchair because the cancer had consumed so much of the bone in the femoral neck of my left leg that if I put my body weight on it or fell, I would have broken my leg. It would have required surgery to fix it. The cancer had eaten so much of my humerus I couldn’t even dress myself or wash my own hair. I was scared of what chemo was going to do to me and how I would feel. I was scared that there was a chance that no matter how much chemo, radiation, or other treatments I endured, that I still might not make it out of this thing alive. I was uncertain how long my journey would last or what it meant for my life after cancer.

Somewhere deep down, I found the courage to face these fears to accept what was happening to me with some grace and dignity. We filled our lives with humor instead of sadness or anger. I never asked why me; instead, I thought why not me. I endured each procedure and step of the battle with calm and a warrior mentality. The love and support of my friends and family made every bit of difference to me, and helped me maintain the attitude that got me through.

Although many people helped me in so many ways, there are a couple people who I will never be able to repay them for what they did for me.

Two of those people are my mother and father-in-law, who always did anything I asked of them. They always put on their warrior faces for me. They were always accommodating and offered a place of love and warmth for my mother and I to escape to when we needed to get out of my house. They rearranged vacations to be around for me. I know they worried every step of the way, but they never allowed their own feelings to take them over when I was around. I will always cherish those times we spent together, especially Christmas and seeing my two moms hang out!

My Papa Bear, Scott, gave my mom the freedom to move to Washington to take care of me. He was alone in the house and had to pick up the pieces in Arizona so my mother could take care of me. It was a huge sacrifice for him as well, but he would never have let or wanted it to be any different. He loves me as if I was his biological daughter, and I love him the same way. There are no boundaries to what he would do for me or our family, and for what he endured for me…there are no words.

My husband, who still to this day won’t tell me what he really felt or what was going on in his head, was the model husband through it all. He was my pillar of strength. He made me laugh when I needed it and allowed me to cry when I need to. He went to every chemo and watched as I got more and more sick throughout the day and into the night. I know it was not easy for him, but he never let me see it. He handled each step with more grace than I did. He never said no when I asked him to do something for me, no matter what a pain in the ass it was. He even shaved my head for me! He kept our lives going and maintained the life we built together so when I was done with this mess, we could get on with it. I cannot imagine how I would have managed without his love and support. He is the love of my life.

My mother! She moved from the family and her home for five months to care for me. She was there every step of the way. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for her. She had taken care of and watched my grandmother and my grandmother’s sister die of cancer, she has cancer as well, and then to watch your daughter fight cancer??? She helped bathe me, dress me, pushed me around in a wheelchair, and even endured a Tori Amos concert with me! LOL! The battle we raged together saved my life, the very life she brought to this world. The bond we forged is beyond anything I ever knew could exist. I will never be able to repay her for what she did for me.

There are so many people who helped me in so many ways. I don’t want to finish this post without a shout out to my sisters who bought me supplies I needed, flowers, cards for every chemo, and visited me. Kristina and Jenny…you are amazing and I love you both. You gave me great strength. Leah, your cards of words of support helped me more than you will ever know.

As for today…I have just completed my fourth quarter of nursing school and I am in Hawaii! That’s right people. I am going to celebrate the end of my year of cancer on the beach with my very dear friend Stacey and her family with my husband by my side. I think today is the day to finally stand up on that surf board. I have caught some waves, but was not able to stand up. I think we can change that! I think that will be the best anniversary gift I could give myself, from wheelchair to wave rider!

With that said, mahalo for all your support and love this year! Aloha!

Awesome feelings and Me vs. Food part duex

I feel so great today! Sure it is nice to have a break in class, and I am done with the quarter. I like that I have only 2 quarters left, but what has me excited is where I am today! It feels so good to have accomplished so much this year. In the past, when a quarter was over I had more of the attitude, “Ok that quarter is done. Bring on the next.” Not a bad attitude, but not one of accomplishment and pride, more one of relief that I got through it and lamenting the one ahead.

This quarter has brought me such pride. It was hard, but I found a better balance with my stress, school, and personal life. I did not do as well as I may have in past quarters, but I have a solid B+, maybe an A-. The way I learn has completely changed, and it was no small feat trying to figure out how to study and learn. Coming back after a 10 month absence was not so easy either. I dealt with concentration issues, fatigue, and trying to get used to a busy schedule again. It really was a lot to go through and I did it! I even took my final 4 days early. I feel like a rock star today!!!

By the way, the next step in our health journey is eating a healthy, hardy breakfast! This may be hard for many people out there, but really it is important. You need to fuel your body with nutrient rich food to get your day started. It helps you keep up your energy, concentration, and your mood. Let’s face it, we are usually pretty cranky if we are hungry. It also turns you into a cannibal of sorts. If you don’t feed your body food but you force it to work…aka go to work, school, run errands, etc., your body starts to eat itself. That’s right, your body starts to break down not only your fat reserves but your actual muscle as well! Eating breakfast jump starts your metabolism to burn calories and fat and as long as you continue to feed the machine, your metabolism continues to work and burn that unwanted fat instead of your wanted muscle tissue!

That is three easy steps to do now right? Let’s recap them. Drink 64 oz of water a day. No, tea and coffee don’t count. It has to be water! Eat an apple a day. Make sure you eat those peels. Now eat a healthy, hardy breakfast every morning. We are off to a good start. Now I just have to get this done during busy and high stress times!

Speaking of which, I got a strange call today. Well, the call was expected, but what they told me was not!

I went to the doctor a couple of days ago for a checkup. I talked to the doctor about my food war, and he thought that I would do well to get some dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to help me. I am all for it. This whole last school quarter was about things like this, and I am very comfortable with it. He gave me the behavioral health referral and said they would call me. The call came in and they told me they received a referral for treatment of an eating disorder!

At first I was confused. I am not anorexic, bulimic, or have binge eating disorder, so what does this mean? Well, after a minute I thought about it. There are several definitions of eating disorders, depending on where you look. Even the psychologists that make the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders are revamping what they think are diagnosable eating disorders. Sixty-five percent of people diagnosed with eating disorders are diagnosed “eating disorder NOS (not otherwise specified)” because most people do not fit the classic definition of anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or binge eating disorder. Simply put, an eating disorder is defined by abnormal eating habits that may involve either inadequate or excessive caloric intake to the detriment of an individual’s physical and/or mental health. Well, isn’t that exactly what I have been talking about in this blog for a while? I even asked, “Why am I eating myself to death?”

When I was told I had cancer, I didn’t wallow in self pity or hide under a rock. I put on my warrior princess panties and started to kick ass! If this is where I am at…having an actual eating disorder, then I am going to approach it with the same attitude. I am not going to hide it or be ashamed of it, but I am not going to sing from the mountain top either. I am just going to do what I do, fix it. As per usual, I will share my journey here.

My 34

So a friend of mine was telling me that a couple of years ago she made of list of things she wanted to do for that year that she had never done before. She picked the same number of things as how many years old she was. I love this idea! There are things I really want to do, especially after this last year. I have been so busy with school, I can't wait to have time to do other things than study.

Here is the list I made for 2013. I am turning 34 this year, so I picked 34 things. I have a couple of things that I have done on there, but not for a long time. I want to go tubing every year, but it never seems to happen so it is on there. The list is in no particular order.

My 34

1.       Can a food product (learn to can food)

2.       Take a cake decorating class

3.       Visit a mosque

4.       Go to Amerawcan Bistro

5.       Learn to ride a motorcycle

6.       Go skydiving

7.       Make an herb garden

8.       Do a photography project over the summer

9.       Learn to belly dance

10.   Start my healthy living support group

11.   Carve Alan’s and my initials in a tree with a heart

12.   Prank someone…and hopefully not start a prank war

13.   Rearrange and decorate my house

14.   Go camping somewhere new

15.   Do something meaningful and significant for someone without taking credit or getting acknowledged

16.   Go vegetarian for one month

17.   Make my own melted crayon art

18.   Get involved with or raise money for the Ronald McDonald House

19.   Try a new recipe a week from my healthy cookbooks

20.   Attend the marriage of a gay couple!

21.   Make a memory jar for 2013

22.   Find out how to get involved with the local community theater

23.   Start learning how to play my keyboard

24.   Party hard for the celebration of my 1 year after chemo anniversary

25.   Write a letter to my parents to tell them exactly how I feel

26.   Go to Ballard Lochs

27.   Do a double under 5 times in a row

28.   Get to and maintain my ideal weight

29.   Go to the farmers market and try 3 different veggies I have never had before

30.   Read a book series I have not read and not feel guilty that I should be studying instead!

31.   Go tubing!

32.   Find a job

33.   Do a 5k run

34.   This one is too private...I shall not share...sorry

This will make for one hell of a year, no? It's exciting!

An Apple a day!

Well, I know I said I would do a new step in a week, but honestly...I just stepped on the scale and scared myself! Holy crow! I have to do something about this now! Actually I am doing a few things and thought I would share them with you.

First, I am cleaning my kitchen out. I actually already started to do this. I am, at the moment, procrastinating doing this blog, but I was also obsessing over doing it. Doing this blog kind of keeps me honest and in line anyway. I will get back to it when I have finished doing this.

I don’t actually have too much to get rid of. My biggest problem is just that, I don’t have much food in the kitchen good or bad. I need to go grocery shopping more consistently. My school schedule keeps me pretty busy. When I am not in school, I am trying to enjoy life a little more to keep down my stress. I have not put my health in a priority slot and have been eating out or pizza a lot. That will actually be the second thing I do today!

The one thing that I am really calling my step for today is eating an apple a day! The old cliché is true my friends. An apple a day does keeps the doctor away. The German Cancer Research Center published a review that stated that people who ate an apple a day, compared to those who did not, had less risk of oral cancer, cancer of the voice box, and breast, kidney, ovarian and colon cancer! Make sure to eat the peels too! That is where the antioxidants are! Apples have anti-inflammatory properties, boosts your immune system, and is a high fiber snack. Fiber is crucial to weight loss and to healthy bodily functions. An adult needs to get a minimum of 20 gm of fiber a day, and an apple with the peel has 3-5 gm depending on its size. Fiber also helps us feel full, therefore, we eat less!

On a side note…I had no idea that I would ever know this much about anything! Nursing is fun, cool, and makes me feel smart!

Me vs. Food

We all have our vices. Some people drink, some smoke, do drugs, engage in risky behavior…mine is food. I love food. I love eating, trying new foods, the socialization that comes with it. I have a love affair with food that I am having such a hard time shaking. It is my coping mechanism, and it works great for reducing my anxiety. It does not work well for the other aspects of my life, however.

I truly feel that my diet and lack of regular exercise played a real part in my cancer. Not only do I feel that my diet will contribute to me possibly getting cancer again, but I know that it is killing me slowly…a silent killer. So then the question is…why do I continue to eat myself to death?

The answer is I don’t really know. The whole situation is complicated and yet simple at the same time.  I am loaded with excuses and reasons. I have habits that are hard from me to break. The things I have tried to change in the past don’t do for me what eating something I truly enjoy does.

I love it when people say I should exercise! Even as a nursing student, I don’t buy into what they say about how you feel when you exercise. You know how I feel? Tired…no exhausted! That whole thing about feeling energized after working out does not happen for me. I find myself struggling throughout the rest of the day. If I try to exercise later…I still feel tired, but I find it hard to actually go to sleep. I find the whole thing stressful trying to figure out in my already busy schedule when I should workout. It takes forever to go to the gym, change, work out, and then shower. I worked out 4-5 times a week for two years, one of those years with a personal trainer. It never got easier or more enjoyable for me. If it had, wouldn't I still be doing it? It never became a habit. Admittedly, exercise is something I need to do, but is it a good substitute for food for reducing my anxiety? I say no.

I do love doing things outdoors. I find that things are much nicer and easier for me during the summers, but when you live in the land of perpetual rain…outdoor activities are not really practical. I never thought I would miss the Colorado weather, but I do. It may be freezing cold during the winter, but at least the sun shines more than not. I have also greatly improved my tolerance to colder weather.  With that said, I am on a quest to find a substitute for food.

I have looked into things like support groups for overeating and other resources, but I have yet to find something that I think works for me on my schedule. There really isn't much out there unless you want to pay and arm and a leg. If you are willing to sell your first born child, there are numerous resources at your disposal. Sometimes it feels like a conspiracy or that no one takes this problem seriously. The usual thing you hear is, “drop the food fatty,” or “go to the gym.” What people don’t realize is that this problem isn't just about laziness, although that plays into it, but there are multiple layers of why someone like me is the way they are. It just isn't that simple. It took 33 years of living to get to this place. I don’t pretend that I can fix it in a matter of a month.

So, what does all this mean? I don’t know, but I am going to start today with something simple. I am going to get back into the habit of drinking 64 oz. of water a day. I was doing really well with that before school started. It will be my step one of my journey to health. I will drink my water every day for the whole week. Next week, I will pick a new step.

Why will drinking 64 oz. of water every day be my first step? Glad you asked.

Water is the single most important thing you can put in your body. It makes up 2/3 of our body weight.  The human brain is made up of 95% water, blood is 82% and lungs 90%! Did you know that mild dehydration is the main cause of daytime fatigue? Did you know that caffeine causes dehydration? Water helps regulate body temperature, lubricates joints, lessens the burden on the kidneys and liver by flushing out waste products, carries nutrients and oxygen to cells,  protects body organs and tissues, helps prevent constipation, helps dissolve minerals and other nutrients to make them accessible to the body. It is vitally important to our cell health and metabolism. We can go 7 days without food, but we can only go 3 days without water. It is our life elixir and helps keep us looking and feeling younger.  It is recommended that adults drink 64 oz. a day to maintain a healthy level of water in the body.

So there it is in a nutshell…I don’t have any real answers yet, but I will be using the bathroom a lot this week until my body it used to the amount of water I will drink again!

Greek Patties with Salad

Now that my school schedule has calmed down a little bit, I am going to refocus my efforts towards my diet again. I have been horrible. I have a plan and some of it will be hard to do…for example, I can only go out on one social event each month where food is involved unless it is my kind of healthy food. I am treating food like alcoholic has to treat alcohol, since I have found no self control over that last 2 months.

One of the things that I have decided to do is share one quick, healthy recipe a week. I have many healthy food recipe books now, however, who has time to make most of the stuff in them? Not this girl, at least not right now. Most of the recipes require a decent amount of time and prep work. I still have too many other things to do, so I will share some of my favorites and update as I find new ones. Hopefully, I will get one up a week. Please feel free to leave feedback if you make it or any other comment that comes to mind.

This week’s recipe comes from Rachel Ray’s, Burgers Gone Wild! I don’t particularly like Rachael Ray to be honest. I find her annoying, but girl can cook. This is one of my favorite dinners. I do modify it, but I will talk about those throughout the recipe!

Gyro Burgers with Greek Salad

4 servings, 2 small burgers each – I get several meals off of this the way I modify it

1 ½ pounds ground chicken or ground lamb -  I use 2 packages ground 93-97% fat free turkey

1 cup full-fat plain yogurt – I use 25-28 oz low-fat plain yogurt. I tried greek yogurt…don’t go there!

A handulf of fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped – I use dried if I use it at all

2 garlic cloves, finely chopped – I cheat here with freeze dried chopped garlic

1 tablespoon ground cumin (a palmful)

1 ½ teaspoons dried oregano (half a palmful) – I don’t usually use this

1 ½ teaspoons sweet paprika (half a palmful) – Use regular paprika

1 tablespoon grill seasoning (a palmful; such as McCormick’s Montreal Steak Seasoning) I like Chicago steak seasoning better

About 3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil (EVOO) for drizzling, plus about 3 tablespoons for dressing – I don’t use this at all

1 English (seedless) cucumber, diced into bite-size pieces

1 red or green bell pepper, cored, seeded, and diced into bite-sized pieces

4 celery ribs with leafy greens intact, chopped – I use most of the celery stalk

½ large red onion, chopped – I eyeball, but I get a small onion. You want to cut these small!

2 vine-ripe tomatoes, seeded and diced – I use cherry tomatoes cut in half, seeds and all – eyeball amount

½ pound feta, crumbled – I eyeball it according to my taste

½ cup pitted kalamata olives coarsely chopped – I just slice them and use more than ½ a cup

6 peperoncini (pickled hot, light green peppers), chopped – I eyeball this and use more than 6

Juice of 2 lemons – I don’t use this at all

Several drops of hot sauce, such as Tabasco – I may or may not use it.

Course salt – I don’t use this at all

Pita bread, warmed and cut in half – I don’t use this at all

Preheat a grill pan, large nonstick skillet, or outdoor grill to medium-high heat.

In a large bowl combine the ground meat with the yogurt, parsley, garlic, spices and seasonings. Form 8 thin 3-inch patties. Drizzle the patties with EVOO and cook for 3 minutes on each side in 2 batches. Hold the cooked patties on a plate under foil.

In a large, shallow serving bowl combine the cucumber, bell pepper, celery, red onion, tomatoes feta, olives, and peperoncini. Dress the salad with lemon juice, hot sauce, and salt. Toss, add about 3 tablespoons EVOO, and toss again. Taste to adjust seasonings. Top the salad with the patties and serve with pita bread.

I just toss the veggies together without the EVOO, lemon juice, and salt. I love it just as is, but you may like it with it. I also just cook the meat in piles in the pan and not worry about making patties. I mix the warm meat with the cold salad. I think it is delicious this way. I don’t eat bread anymore, so I have no need for the pita.