From Wheelchair to Wave Rider

Today marks the one year anniversary of my official diagnosis of diffuse large B cell lymphoma. It has been a heck of a roller coaster ride. So much has happened this year that I would need to write a book to tell the whole story.

One year ago today, I was in a wheelchair because the cancer had consumed so much of the bone in the femoral neck of my left leg that if I put my body weight on it or fell, I would have broken my leg. It would have required surgery to fix it. The cancer had eaten so much of my humerus I couldn’t even dress myself or wash my own hair. I was scared of what chemo was going to do to me and how I would feel. I was scared that there was a chance that no matter how much chemo, radiation, or other treatments I endured, that I still might not make it out of this thing alive. I was uncertain how long my journey would last or what it meant for my life after cancer.

Somewhere deep down, I found the courage to face these fears to accept what was happening to me with some grace and dignity. We filled our lives with humor instead of sadness or anger. I never asked why me; instead, I thought why not me. I endured each procedure and step of the battle with calm and a warrior mentality. The love and support of my friends and family made every bit of difference to me, and helped me maintain the attitude that got me through.

Although many people helped me in so many ways, there are a couple people who I will never be able to repay them for what they did for me.

Two of those people are my mother and father-in-law, who always did anything I asked of them. They always put on their warrior faces for me. They were always accommodating and offered a place of love and warmth for my mother and I to escape to when we needed to get out of my house. They rearranged vacations to be around for me. I know they worried every step of the way, but they never allowed their own feelings to take them over when I was around. I will always cherish those times we spent together, especially Christmas and seeing my two moms hang out!

My Papa Bear, Scott, gave my mom the freedom to move to Washington to take care of me. He was alone in the house and had to pick up the pieces in Arizona so my mother could take care of me. It was a huge sacrifice for him as well, but he would never have let or wanted it to be any different. He loves me as if I was his biological daughter, and I love him the same way. There are no boundaries to what he would do for me or our family, and for what he endured for me…there are no words.

My husband, who still to this day won’t tell me what he really felt or what was going on in his head, was the model husband through it all. He was my pillar of strength. He made me laugh when I needed it and allowed me to cry when I need to. He went to every chemo and watched as I got more and more sick throughout the day and into the night. I know it was not easy for him, but he never let me see it. He handled each step with more grace than I did. He never said no when I asked him to do something for me, no matter what a pain in the ass it was. He even shaved my head for me! He kept our lives going and maintained the life we built together so when I was done with this mess, we could get on with it. I cannot imagine how I would have managed without his love and support. He is the love of my life.

My mother! She moved from the family and her home for five months to care for me. She was there every step of the way. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for her. She had taken care of and watched my grandmother and my grandmother’s sister die of cancer, she has cancer as well, and then to watch your daughter fight cancer??? She helped bathe me, dress me, pushed me around in a wheelchair, and even endured a Tori Amos concert with me! LOL! The battle we raged together saved my life, the very life she brought to this world. The bond we forged is beyond anything I ever knew could exist. I will never be able to repay her for what she did for me.

There are so many people who helped me in so many ways. I don’t want to finish this post without a shout out to my sisters who bought me supplies I needed, flowers, cards for every chemo, and visited me. Kristina and Jenny…you are amazing and I love you both. You gave me great strength. Leah, your cards of words of support helped me more than you will ever know.

As for today…I have just completed my fourth quarter of nursing school and I am in Hawaii! That’s right people. I am going to celebrate the end of my year of cancer on the beach with my very dear friend Stacey and her family with my husband by my side. I think today is the day to finally stand up on that surf board. I have caught some waves, but was not able to stand up. I think we can change that! I think that will be the best anniversary gift I could give myself, from wheelchair to wave rider!

With that said, mahalo for all your support and love this year! Aloha!

Awesome feelings and Me vs. Food part duex

I feel so great today! Sure it is nice to have a break in class, and I am done with the quarter. I like that I have only 2 quarters left, but what has me excited is where I am today! It feels so good to have accomplished so much this year. In the past, when a quarter was over I had more of the attitude, “Ok that quarter is done. Bring on the next.” Not a bad attitude, but not one of accomplishment and pride, more one of relief that I got through it and lamenting the one ahead.

This quarter has brought me such pride. It was hard, but I found a better balance with my stress, school, and personal life. I did not do as well as I may have in past quarters, but I have a solid B+, maybe an A-. The way I learn has completely changed, and it was no small feat trying to figure out how to study and learn. Coming back after a 10 month absence was not so easy either. I dealt with concentration issues, fatigue, and trying to get used to a busy schedule again. It really was a lot to go through and I did it! I even took my final 4 days early. I feel like a rock star today!!!

By the way, the next step in our health journey is eating a healthy, hardy breakfast! This may be hard for many people out there, but really it is important. You need to fuel your body with nutrient rich food to get your day started. It helps you keep up your energy, concentration, and your mood. Let’s face it, we are usually pretty cranky if we are hungry. It also turns you into a cannibal of sorts. If you don’t feed your body food but you force it to work…aka go to work, school, run errands, etc., your body starts to eat itself. That’s right, your body starts to break down not only your fat reserves but your actual muscle as well! Eating breakfast jump starts your metabolism to burn calories and fat and as long as you continue to feed the machine, your metabolism continues to work and burn that unwanted fat instead of your wanted muscle tissue!

That is three easy steps to do now right? Let’s recap them. Drink 64 oz of water a day. No, tea and coffee don’t count. It has to be water! Eat an apple a day. Make sure you eat those peels. Now eat a healthy, hardy breakfast every morning. We are off to a good start. Now I just have to get this done during busy and high stress times!

Speaking of which, I got a strange call today. Well, the call was expected, but what they told me was not!

I went to the doctor a couple of days ago for a checkup. I talked to the doctor about my food war, and he thought that I would do well to get some dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to help me. I am all for it. This whole last school quarter was about things like this, and I am very comfortable with it. He gave me the behavioral health referral and said they would call me. The call came in and they told me they received a referral for treatment of an eating disorder!

At first I was confused. I am not anorexic, bulimic, or have binge eating disorder, so what does this mean? Well, after a minute I thought about it. There are several definitions of eating disorders, depending on where you look. Even the psychologists that make the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders are revamping what they think are diagnosable eating disorders. Sixty-five percent of people diagnosed with eating disorders are diagnosed “eating disorder NOS (not otherwise specified)” because most people do not fit the classic definition of anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or binge eating disorder. Simply put, an eating disorder is defined by abnormal eating habits that may involve either inadequate or excessive caloric intake to the detriment of an individual’s physical and/or mental health. Well, isn’t that exactly what I have been talking about in this blog for a while? I even asked, “Why am I eating myself to death?”

When I was told I had cancer, I didn’t wallow in self pity or hide under a rock. I put on my warrior princess panties and started to kick ass! If this is where I am at…having an actual eating disorder, then I am going to approach it with the same attitude. I am not going to hide it or be ashamed of it, but I am not going to sing from the mountain top either. I am just going to do what I do, fix it. As per usual, I will share my journey here.

My 34

So a friend of mine was telling me that a couple of years ago she made of list of things she wanted to do for that year that she had never done before. She picked the same number of things as how many years old she was. I love this idea! There are things I really want to do, especially after this last year. I have been so busy with school, I can't wait to have time to do other things than study.

Here is the list I made for 2013. I am turning 34 this year, so I picked 34 things. I have a couple of things that I have done on there, but not for a long time. I want to go tubing every year, but it never seems to happen so it is on there. The list is in no particular order.

My 34

1.       Can a food product (learn to can food)

2.       Take a cake decorating class

3.       Visit a mosque

4.       Go to Amerawcan Bistro

5.       Learn to ride a motorcycle

6.       Go skydiving

7.       Make an herb garden

8.       Do a photography project over the summer

9.       Learn to belly dance

10.   Start my healthy living support group

11.   Carve Alan’s and my initials in a tree with a heart

12.   Prank someone…and hopefully not start a prank war

13.   Rearrange and decorate my house

14.   Go camping somewhere new

15.   Do something meaningful and significant for someone without taking credit or getting acknowledged

16.   Go vegetarian for one month

17.   Make my own melted crayon art

18.   Get involved with or raise money for the Ronald McDonald House

19.   Try a new recipe a week from my healthy cookbooks

20.   Attend the marriage of a gay couple!

21.   Make a memory jar for 2013

22.   Find out how to get involved with the local community theater

23.   Start learning how to play my keyboard

24.   Party hard for the celebration of my 1 year after chemo anniversary

25.   Write a letter to my parents to tell them exactly how I feel

26.   Go to Ballard Lochs

27.   Do a double under 5 times in a row

28.   Get to and maintain my ideal weight

29.   Go to the farmers market and try 3 different veggies I have never had before

30.   Read a book series I have not read and not feel guilty that I should be studying instead!

31.   Go tubing!

32.   Find a job

33.   Do a 5k run

34.   This one is too private...I shall not share...sorry

This will make for one hell of a year, no? It's exciting!

An Apple a day!

Well, I know I said I would do a new step in a week, but honestly...I just stepped on the scale and scared myself! Holy crow! I have to do something about this now! Actually I am doing a few things and thought I would share them with you.

First, I am cleaning my kitchen out. I actually already started to do this. I am, at the moment, procrastinating doing this blog, but I was also obsessing over doing it. Doing this blog kind of keeps me honest and in line anyway. I will get back to it when I have finished doing this.

I don’t actually have too much to get rid of. My biggest problem is just that, I don’t have much food in the kitchen good or bad. I need to go grocery shopping more consistently. My school schedule keeps me pretty busy. When I am not in school, I am trying to enjoy life a little more to keep down my stress. I have not put my health in a priority slot and have been eating out or pizza a lot. That will actually be the second thing I do today!

The one thing that I am really calling my step for today is eating an apple a day! The old cliché is true my friends. An apple a day does keeps the doctor away. The German Cancer Research Center published a review that stated that people who ate an apple a day, compared to those who did not, had less risk of oral cancer, cancer of the voice box, and breast, kidney, ovarian and colon cancer! Make sure to eat the peels too! That is where the antioxidants are! Apples have anti-inflammatory properties, boosts your immune system, and is a high fiber snack. Fiber is crucial to weight loss and to healthy bodily functions. An adult needs to get a minimum of 20 gm of fiber a day, and an apple with the peel has 3-5 gm depending on its size. Fiber also helps us feel full, therefore, we eat less!

On a side note…I had no idea that I would ever know this much about anything! Nursing is fun, cool, and makes me feel smart!

Me vs. Food

We all have our vices. Some people drink, some smoke, do drugs, engage in risky behavior…mine is food. I love food. I love eating, trying new foods, the socialization that comes with it. I have a love affair with food that I am having such a hard time shaking. It is my coping mechanism, and it works great for reducing my anxiety. It does not work well for the other aspects of my life, however.

I truly feel that my diet and lack of regular exercise played a real part in my cancer. Not only do I feel that my diet will contribute to me possibly getting cancer again, but I know that it is killing me slowly…a silent killer. So then the question is…why do I continue to eat myself to death?

The answer is I don’t really know. The whole situation is complicated and yet simple at the same time.  I am loaded with excuses and reasons. I have habits that are hard from me to break. The things I have tried to change in the past don’t do for me what eating something I truly enjoy does.

I love it when people say I should exercise! Even as a nursing student, I don’t buy into what they say about how you feel when you exercise. You know how I feel? Tired…no exhausted! That whole thing about feeling energized after working out does not happen for me. I find myself struggling throughout the rest of the day. If I try to exercise later…I still feel tired, but I find it hard to actually go to sleep. I find the whole thing stressful trying to figure out in my already busy schedule when I should workout. It takes forever to go to the gym, change, work out, and then shower. I worked out 4-5 times a week for two years, one of those years with a personal trainer. It never got easier or more enjoyable for me. If it had, wouldn't I still be doing it? It never became a habit. Admittedly, exercise is something I need to do, but is it a good substitute for food for reducing my anxiety? I say no.

I do love doing things outdoors. I find that things are much nicer and easier for me during the summers, but when you live in the land of perpetual rain…outdoor activities are not really practical. I never thought I would miss the Colorado weather, but I do. It may be freezing cold during the winter, but at least the sun shines more than not. I have also greatly improved my tolerance to colder weather.  With that said, I am on a quest to find a substitute for food.

I have looked into things like support groups for overeating and other resources, but I have yet to find something that I think works for me on my schedule. There really isn't much out there unless you want to pay and arm and a leg. If you are willing to sell your first born child, there are numerous resources at your disposal. Sometimes it feels like a conspiracy or that no one takes this problem seriously. The usual thing you hear is, “drop the food fatty,” or “go to the gym.” What people don’t realize is that this problem isn't just about laziness, although that plays into it, but there are multiple layers of why someone like me is the way they are. It just isn't that simple. It took 33 years of living to get to this place. I don’t pretend that I can fix it in a matter of a month.

So, what does all this mean? I don’t know, but I am going to start today with something simple. I am going to get back into the habit of drinking 64 oz. of water a day. I was doing really well with that before school started. It will be my step one of my journey to health. I will drink my water every day for the whole week. Next week, I will pick a new step.

Why will drinking 64 oz. of water every day be my first step? Glad you asked.

Water is the single most important thing you can put in your body. It makes up 2/3 of our body weight.  The human brain is made up of 95% water, blood is 82% and lungs 90%! Did you know that mild dehydration is the main cause of daytime fatigue? Did you know that caffeine causes dehydration? Water helps regulate body temperature, lubricates joints, lessens the burden on the kidneys and liver by flushing out waste products, carries nutrients and oxygen to cells,  protects body organs and tissues, helps prevent constipation, helps dissolve minerals and other nutrients to make them accessible to the body. It is vitally important to our cell health and metabolism. We can go 7 days without food, but we can only go 3 days without water. It is our life elixir and helps keep us looking and feeling younger.  It is recommended that adults drink 64 oz. a day to maintain a healthy level of water in the body.

So there it is in a nutshell…I don’t have any real answers yet, but I will be using the bathroom a lot this week until my body it used to the amount of water I will drink again!

Greek Patties with Salad

Now that my school schedule has calmed down a little bit, I am going to refocus my efforts towards my diet again. I have been horrible. I have a plan and some of it will be hard to do…for example, I can only go out on one social event each month where food is involved unless it is my kind of healthy food. I am treating food like alcoholic has to treat alcohol, since I have found no self control over that last 2 months.

One of the things that I have decided to do is share one quick, healthy recipe a week. I have many healthy food recipe books now, however, who has time to make most of the stuff in them? Not this girl, at least not right now. Most of the recipes require a decent amount of time and prep work. I still have too many other things to do, so I will share some of my favorites and update as I find new ones. Hopefully, I will get one up a week. Please feel free to leave feedback if you make it or any other comment that comes to mind.

This week’s recipe comes from Rachel Ray’s, Burgers Gone Wild! I don’t particularly like Rachael Ray to be honest. I find her annoying, but girl can cook. This is one of my favorite dinners. I do modify it, but I will talk about those throughout the recipe!

Gyro Burgers with Greek Salad

4 servings, 2 small burgers each – I get several meals off of this the way I modify it

1 ½ pounds ground chicken or ground lamb -  I use 2 packages ground 93-97% fat free turkey

1 cup full-fat plain yogurt – I use 25-28 oz low-fat plain yogurt. I tried greek yogurt…don’t go there!

A handulf of fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped – I use dried if I use it at all

2 garlic cloves, finely chopped – I cheat here with freeze dried chopped garlic

1 tablespoon ground cumin (a palmful)

1 ½ teaspoons dried oregano (half a palmful) – I don’t usually use this

1 ½ teaspoons sweet paprika (half a palmful) – Use regular paprika

1 tablespoon grill seasoning (a palmful; such as McCormick’s Montreal Steak Seasoning) I like Chicago steak seasoning better

About 3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil (EVOO) for drizzling, plus about 3 tablespoons for dressing – I don’t use this at all

1 English (seedless) cucumber, diced into bite-size pieces

1 red or green bell pepper, cored, seeded, and diced into bite-sized pieces

4 celery ribs with leafy greens intact, chopped – I use most of the celery stalk

½ large red onion, chopped – I eyeball, but I get a small onion. You want to cut these small!

2 vine-ripe tomatoes, seeded and diced – I use cherry tomatoes cut in half, seeds and all – eyeball amount

½ pound feta, crumbled – I eyeball it according to my taste

½ cup pitted kalamata olives coarsely chopped – I just slice them and use more than ½ a cup

6 peperoncini (pickled hot, light green peppers), chopped – I eyeball this and use more than 6

Juice of 2 lemons – I don’t use this at all

Several drops of hot sauce, such as Tabasco – I may or may not use it.

Course salt – I don’t use this at all

Pita bread, warmed and cut in half – I don’t use this at all

Preheat a grill pan, large nonstick skillet, or outdoor grill to medium-high heat.

In a large bowl combine the ground meat with the yogurt, parsley, garlic, spices and seasonings. Form 8 thin 3-inch patties. Drizzle the patties with EVOO and cook for 3 minutes on each side in 2 batches. Hold the cooked patties on a plate under foil.

In a large, shallow serving bowl combine the cucumber, bell pepper, celery, red onion, tomatoes feta, olives, and peperoncini. Dress the salad with lemon juice, hot sauce, and salt. Toss, add about 3 tablespoons EVOO, and toss again. Taste to adjust seasonings. Top the salad with the patties and serve with pita bread.

I just toss the veggies together without the EVOO, lemon juice, and salt. I love it just as is, but you may like it with it. I also just cook the meat in piles in the pan and not worry about making patties. I mix the warm meat with the cold salad. I think it is delicious this way. I don’t eat bread anymore, so I have no need for the pita. 

School and other such nonsense

Hello everyone!

Well, it has been a long time since I posted an update. I thought I would say a few things. It's a good distraction from studying anyway!

First of all, I lost my cat Princess. I miss her so much. It was especially difficult as she died with the very same cancer that I had! Even the chemo she would have gotten would have been the same as mine, except one drug! We had to put her down two weeks ago today. I have finally stopped crying like a baby over it, which makes me sad in a weird way as well.

I also have started school. It is crazy! I am starting my 6th week tomorrow! It has been very difficult for me. I have always struggled slightly…well, stressed out is more like it. Now I am actually finding real deficiencies in my ability to learn and retain information. For example, last week I read all the readings for the modules. I was going over some of them today for review and the readings were completely unfamiliar to me. It was like I never read them! Retaining read material has never been a strength of mine, but in the past there would at least be a familiarity and I would think, “Oh yeah, that’s right. I remember now.” There was nothing today! I have been doing practice questions from several books and cds today in hopes to help retain or gain some information that might help me pass my test tomorrow. It is all side effects of the chemo and I will eventually get back to normal. It has becoming a waiting game for me.

I recently watched the most amazing documentary called, Half the Sky. It speaks to atrocities committed against women across the world. There are some truly inspiring and amazing women out there. After watching that, I feel like an imposter when others say that about me. I have been through nothing compared to those women! I highly recommend everyone watch it. It is on On Demand with Xfinity, or read the book! The stories are horrendous, but the courage, love, and devotion that comes from these situations give me hope for humanity!

I also went to a seminar with Context International. The training is a three part series and I have only completed the first part, but I already feel a change in me. It is aimed at helping people find the ways that they can help themselves live a life of purpose and fulfillment. I had such an amazing feeling when I left the first seminar called, The Pursuit of Excellence. Not only have I started to really work on some things about myself I want to change, I met some really amazing people. My only regret is that I have to wait until the end of December to get the next part called, The Wall.

My hair is growing in well! It is pretty thick now. It is still pretty short, maybe 2.5 inches. It looks shorter than that though….because my curls are back! I am so happy about that. I didn’t care that my color might change, but I wanted my curls back. It is actually the strangest thing. Not one day goes by when someone doesn’t compliment my hair. Apparently short hair is the best on me. I wish I liked it half as much as everyone else. The only thing I see when I look at my hair is that it is the last visual reminder of all I went through. It doesn’t help that I loved my hair the way it was before. I actually like my hair less than when I was bald, if you can believe that! Oh well, at least everyone else likes it for now.

I have been experiencing an uncomfortable ache in my hip again. I am trying not to freak out about it. It is hard to not think, “OMG! I have cancer again!” I am trying to keep that under control. I will most likely have to go in for another MRI as the discomfort is becoming more predictable and not going away. I will keep you all posted on that.

My mother is doing well back home. I miss her so much every day. I have no idea how I will ever pay her back for everything she did for Alan and me. She is back with her grandbabies though, and I know it makes her happy to be there. I am still trying to cook something up!

Other than that, things are going well. Alan and I had a great summer, especially our relaxing and uneventful (in a good way) Jamaica trip! We are heading to Hawaii in December, so there is that to look forward too! I hope all is well out there in the rest of the world.

Reflection...

Today my wheelchair was picked up by the company that rented it to me. It is very strange the way it makes me feel. I remember when it was delivered here. My mom and I broke it in by doing donuts in the front room! Now it is gone. I am glad, but it is a weird reminder of how far I have come and what I have been through. I am now one step closer to life going back to normal. Sometimes it is almost like it didn’t happen at all, then I look in the mirror or get rid of something I needed but don’t anymore.



Some of the crew on my first day back!

I also went to back to work on Tuesday. It was great to be back and I was so happy to see some of my favorite people there! Being at the front desk is easy for me physically, and I was able to pick right back up. There are some new things and some of the special order things that I didn’t see much of before that I need a refresher on, but I think it is a great place for me to start. My only concern about drawing blood is just being physically tired being on my feet for long periods of time. I don’t think anyone will care if I need to sit down for a few minutes though, not really.

I watched a documentary film yesterday called, The Education of Dee Dee Ricks. Dee Dee starts as a shallow, annoying personality, so much so I almost turned it off. I am glad I didn’t. As the story progressed, she changed and also changed the lives of people around her. She found an amazing purpose for herself. She found that many different things were important to her than before and decided to live a more simple life. It was inspirational. Part of this movie also followed a woman Dee Dee became close to, Cynthia Dodson. I found a reflection of myself in Cynthia, and I cried very hard when she passed away during the filming.

I have found myself more reflective this week. I have been contemplating what about me is different and where am I the same. My patients is not so good for things like waiting in line, which it never has been. I am, however, much more likely to be patient with other people and let things roll right off back. I also roll with the punches more. I am more accepting when things won’t go according to plan. Let’s face it, if I can handle having to quit nursing school, for who knew how long, after so many years of hard work I can handle plans needing to change or some things just not working out at all.

I have also noticed wanting to change things with my surroundings. I want to make my environment full of happiness and life. Alan and I are talking about adding more windows in our living room to let in some light. This room is like a den. We are picking out some new paint and finding pictures to hang. We are going to be hanging pictures of our trips and good times together. One thing I told Alan when we knew that this was most likely cancer was that I had no regrets. We have had a beautiful and fun life, and I wouldn’t change a moment of our life together. I want to reflect that in our home.

An awesome cancer update!!!

Well, things have been progressing well. I am working on my stamina every day. I find I need naps a little less, but am doing more in my day. I feel more like myself a little everyday!

I start back up at work on Tuesday. I am very excited to go back. It is one more step to normal life again. My boss is being very kind and understanding. She is allowing me to come back as an extra person, so if I find I am unable to stay at work I can leave. I am starting at the front desk so I can learn the differences in the computer stuff and get a refresher on the old stuff too. She is letting me pick what days I go in too. Over all they are being very supportive in me coming back!

In other great news…I saw my bone doctor yesterday. He gave me the best news ever. He gave me the ok to do whatever physical activity I want, with the caveat that I ease into the activity. He told me to listen to my body and if I start to feel pain to stop and come back and see him if necessary. I won’t be running a marathon tomorrow, but have decided to run a 5k run at the end of summer. Other than that I will not be going to see my bone doctor anymore! It is bittersweet for me as he was the first doctor to tell me anything and was the doctor who really took care of me until I started chemo. I will miss him in the future.

I will also be going back to school in September. There might be a chance I cannot get into the clinical side of the program though. There are already too many people in the class I am going into. There are not enough clinical slots for me right now. I might have to take winter quarter off of class and do the clinical portion. That would mean I could not progress to the next class until spring and would not graduate until December 2013. We shall see what happens. I have decided that whatever happens is ok, even if this does change other plans and hopes. I can only do what I can.

I am getting my survivor tattoo on Sept. 30. I am not sure exactly what I am getting yet. I have it narrowed down to a couple of ideas. I will see my artist after I get back from Jamaica to make the final decision. I am super stoked and cannot wait. I do think I may get a cherry blossom tree, but have her make it in such a way that I can add things to it later. I am thinking that I would like to add Alan, Loki and I sitting under it at some point and add something to it if we ever have kids.

Well that is all for today. There are lots of great things going on right now. I am going to go make breakfast so husband and I can go on our walk and get our day started!

So...green juice!

Well folks, juicing is still new to me. I only have a few recipes and really I have only done my green juice. I don't drink fruit juice because it has too much sugar.

There are lots of opinions about juicing and if you should do it or not. Why not just eat the veggies? If you juice it, you lose most of the fiber. Well, the answer is easy, you do what you like and what you are comfortable with. I personally don't want to try to make food to fit the veggies I juice into a good tasting meal. I like the juice. It gives me energy, and I treat it like my coffee for the day. It fills me up for a good snack, and I can still have all the veggies I want in my meals. It is extra vitamins, minerals, and trace elements I wouldn't get with any other snack.

The green juice I make, I lovingly call my Warrior Juice because it is just that. I got the recipe out of Crazy Sexy Diet. It is jam packed full of vitamins, minerals. and antioxidants. It promotes a more alkaline climate in the body and is a cancer fighting ninja drink! It does taste...interesting at first. It was hard to drink the first time, but now I drink it with no problems. In fact, my body craves it.

As I always say, do your own research and decide what works best for you. I personally believe in the juice, and  I feel better when I drink it.

Green Warrior Juice
Makes 20-24 oz
2-3 Romaine lettuce leaves
2-3 Kale leaves
2 celery sticks
1 medium cucumber - peel if not organic
1 broccoli stem - include the stem and top
1 medium to large apple or pear
1 in piece of ginger - I don't do this because I hate ginger but many people say it helps with the flavor

A nutrition novel...

Cancer has done a great many things to and for me. Not one thing more important than re-emphasizing the importance of health. Ironically, I was already starting this path when I first started feeling the pain of cancer in my bone. With the pain came a downward spiral of inactivity and eventual failure of diet. It was hard to go to the grocery store to shop, cook, or even care about what I was eating when I was living with pain. It was debilitating. It would take five months of ever increasing pain before I would know why I was in such pain, and I am now well on my way to recovery.

I am not cured of cancer yet. I have no detectable cancer at this moment, but that does not equal cured. In fact, I will not be considered in remission until I hit the five year mark! My cancer was tested for biomarkers on the cell wall, and I have a biomarker that makes my cancer a more aggressive (though not most aggressive) than the average lymphoma and increases my risk of the cancer coming back. On top of that, the lymphoma went into the bone, which also increased the risk of the cancer coming back. What’s worse is that the doctors were unable to determine where my cancer started. If the cancer started in my bone, that is even higher risk of the return of the caner. My doctor’s will not say that the cancer will come back, but they have made sure that I know that it is most likely it will sometime in 2-3 years. In short, I am at high risk for this crap to come back.

This leads me to wonder, what can I do? How do I stack the cards in my favor so that I don’t have to go through this again? The truth is, not much. I cannot fight genetics or predict what my body will do. There is only one thing I can do to and that is to live a healthy lifestyle. It is the only thing I do have control over.

So let’s look at the risk factors for cancer. The most common risk factors are: aging, tobacco, sunlight, ionizing radiation, exposure to certain chemicals and other substances, some viruses and bacteria, certain hormones (especially sex hormones), family history of cancer, alcohol, poor diet, lack of physical activity, and/or being overweight. There are also environmental risk factors as well, but I will save that for another day. I am already becoming a wind bag!

Everyone knows that using tobacco products or regular exposure to second hand smoke increases your risk of cancer. You always hear about lung cancer and smoking, but did you also know that there are several other cancers you put yourself at risk for? People who smoke are also at higher risk for developing cancer in the larynx (voice box), mouth, esophagus, bladder, kidney, throat, stomach, pancreas,  cervix, and getting acute myeloid leukemia (cancer that starts in blood cells)!

Many people have asked me why I have mostly quit drinking alcohol. Granted I have a drink here or there on special occasions, but there are several reasons why I don’t really drink anymore. For the purposes of today I will keep the reasons cancer and me related.

First and foremost, my cancer ate away at the bones in my right hip and left shoulder.  Alcohol actually leaches calcium from your bones and decreases your bones density! This is not very helpful to a person trying to rebuild her bone!!!!

 On the cancer side, you increase the chance of developing cancers of the mouth, throat, esophagus, larynx, liver, and breast if you consume more than two drinks a day, on average, for long periods of time (a couple of years or more). Many of these cancers are increased risk with tobacco use too, so if you drink and smoke you are just asking for trouble. According the National Cancer Institute, a woman should drink no more than one drink per day and a male should drink no more than two drinks per day. That doesn’t mean you can drink a long island iced tea everyday either. One serving of alcohol is ½ oz of ethyl alcohol. Here is a great link to information about portion sizes and the different types of alcohol. http://www.wwu.edu/chw/preventionandwellness/AODWebPDFs/WhatisOneDrink.pdf

Ok…I will get off my soap box! Just keeps this in mind moving forward. These are two very controllable risk factors that are often ignored. More than 180,000 people die of cancer related to tobacco use each year. That is 180,000 people who essentially killed themselves this year alone!

So I can’t control the fact I have a family history or that I have hormones, but in the areas I do have control…I have a leg up. I don’t and never have smoked. I have never been a heavy drinker and rarely do drink. I have completely eliminated caffeine out of my diet already. I live in the Pacific Northwest, land of the hippie and hippie food. The most important thing I have is attitude. I want to change. I have a desire to eat well and to be physically fit.

I have to admit, I was really intimidated at first. I had no idea what quinoa was or how to cook it. I was venturing into the world of green juice, which isn’t the most wonderful tasting stuff but I crave it now. I was learning about all of these so called “super foods”, some of which I would still rather eat my shirt than the food itself! There are all these things you hear about like cleansing and detox diets, vitamin rituals, colonics, raw food diets, vegan diets, and on and on and on. Where do I start? How do I decipher what works for me and what is healthy for me?

I started with TV and the internet. I would watch some of the shows on TV that were about health. When I heard something I thought sounded good, I would go to the internet. This is how I found Kris Carr! She was on The Revolution. She had rare kind of cancer. There is no treatment for it and the prognosis isn’t good. She ventured out into the world of healthy eating and found a diet she thinks keeps her cancer from growing…she has been doing her diet or variations of it since 2003 and has had no significant tumor growth! I fully endorse her book, Crazy Sexy Diet. This book is not preachy and is very fun. It is a raw food diet, but has a lot of information and tips. You don’t have to want to do the raw food diet for this to be worth the cost of the book. I also saw Kelly Freston on the Ellen Show. I also have enjoyed her book, The Lean. It has lots of information. It is a book that helps you ease into a vegan diet over 30 days. I do not prescribe 100% to either book, but there is tons of great information backed by medical research in both. I have found food practices that I have encoporated from both books too. I have learned a lot and also found some other things to research from them.

So how exactly am I approaching food right now? Well, I eat mostly organic. I say mostly because sometimes there isn’t an organic alternative so I buy non organic. If there is organic I buy it though. When I have to buy packaged food, I read the label. I have to know what every ingredient is. No preservatives, refined sugar, refined or bleach flour, high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, and many other things. I buy meats that are not treated with hormones or antibiotics, contain no nitrates, and free range poultry. I don’t eat bread or pasta. If I do eat something made with flour, it must be whole GRAIN, not whole wheat. I have a smoothie with chia seeds, organic fruit, greek yogurt, and agave syrup everyday. I do have my green juice most days, but it is hard to juice everyday especially when traveling. I also keep my sugar and refined carbs down as they are the fuel that feed cancer!

I love Whole Foods, but it is so far from my house. I have also been going to Marlene’s in Federal Way. It is hard cooking with so many new things, but I am getting the hang of it. I have found many recipes I like thanks to my books and Pinterest, actually.

This is a lot for one blog, so I guess I will stop here for now. I will post my recipe for my green warrior juice in a different post in the next day or two. I have been asked about it, so I will post it.

I look forward to sharing all the things I have learned and am learning. I am already working up a post for coconut oil, chia seeds, and of course my green juice. I hope you all find it informative and entertaining at times.

A quick note about caffeine…there are tons of studies by various corporations and institutes about the healthy benefits of caffeine and coffee. I would suggest you do your own research and determine for yourself what you think is healthy. In my research I have learned that coffee, regular or decaf, is acidic and promotes inflammation and an environment hospitable to cancer. Caffeine also puts you at risk for hundreds of other diseases with seriousness ranging from who cares to life threatening. I will do a whole blog dedicated to caffeine in the future.

6 weeks post final chemo...

Wednesday will mark my 6^th week post chemo. So much has happened I really don’t know where to start or what to say. I guess I will start with chemo 6…

That last chemo was horrible. I felt worse and for longer.  My hair started to fall out again too. It had been growing back and I had no new hair loss…that is until this chemo. I am so glad that is over and even more glad there were no more after that.

My mom and I had some very good times when I started to feel better. We went to the tulip festival for a day. It reminded us so much of being in Holland. We spent that next weekend at a spa resort in Leavenworth, thanks to my dear husband.  We got a wrap treatment, which was nice. I also had my first alcoholic drink, a margarita! We walked around and just really enjoyed each other’s company. Alan came the second day. It was a lot of fun.

The hardest thing I have done was say goodbye to my mother. Alan had training, so I had to take her myself. It was so difficult, and I cried a lot. It took me a long time to get used to her not be in the house anymore. I even shamefully went into her room and cried on her bed one day. I still miss her terribly.

I am more myself every day, and I am doing everything for myself now. There is a lot of house work and organizing to do. This got a little crazy when I was in school, and my mom had set things up the way she liked it. I have had to redo a lot of things to put it back to where I like it.

School is coming up. I had an appointment with my teacher today. I have three options. One…if there is a spot open, take it. Two…if the class is full, take theory in fall and do clinicals in winter. Three…if the class is full, I can take both theory and clinicals in winter. I think I will opt for two if the class is full. I don’t want to be out of school for a whole year.

What else??? Oh yeah, I am now up to walking 2 miles every day. I walk 5 miles at least once a week. I am still working on my stamina and need a nap most days. If I do too much one day, I am usually tired the next day, but I think that is getting better. I do have a doctor’s appointment with my bone doctor on June 1^st. I am hoping that he will approve me to do more physical things like going up the stairs and jumping. I have been going up stairs, but he doesn’t know that. I want to do my Zumba! I should be going back to work in June as well. Life is getting back to normal.

I will still be giving updates about my status, and I will also post some of the pictures my friend, Amy, took of us before my last chemo; however, I will mostly be transitioning this blog into updates on big things that happen to me and things I am doing for my healthy life style changes. I will post my first blog about this in the next couple of days. I hope that it is informative to someone.

Thank you all for all you have done for me. I feel very blessed for so many different reasons.

For Mother

Here is a video I made for my mother. I will post an update soon.

YAY!!! The worst is over!

Now it is wait and see time. I will have to see my oncologist every 3 months for various scans and exams for the next two years. I am high risk for it to come back. The most common time for it to show up is around year 2-3. All I can do now is reduce my stress and live a healthy life. I will have to get an echocardiogram because I was having some chest pain after a short easy cardio workout. Hopefully my heart will be ok.

At the end of my infusion, my nurses came in singing a song. They had a certificate of completion that they all signed and a bottle of Martinelli’s Apple Cider. It was very sweet. Here is the picture we took!


Just wrapping up the song!



The ladies pose after singing!

I love my nurses!

Alan, my mom, and I got our pictures taken at Discovery Park in Seattle by one, Amy Kiel! It was very cool. I can’t wait to see how they came out! She is a busy woman though, so it will be a little while. I promise to post some pics as soon as I get them. It was so much fun. We laughed a lot. Amy is one of my all time favorite people.

We have spent a lot of time outside this last week. We took extra walks and did whatever we could to soak up the sun! It is so nice to have such sunny warm weather. We actually got into the 70s this week. It helps my soul and body so much.

So I did a dance dare. For those of you who don’t watch the Ellen Show which I do every day, she has asked people to send her videos of them dancing behind people who don’t know that is going on. I did this on my last day of chemo! I don’t have very good dance moves as I still have such limitation with my hip, but I did what I could! Yes this is embarrassing, but who cares? When have I even bothered to not put it all out there! I am a silly girl! Also, I had no music to listen too...

The good and the bad...

So I went to a radiation consultation today. Good thing, I am not getting radiation at this time; the bad thing, we learned I am high risk form my cancer coming back. Lymphoma that goes into the bone is high risk for returning and if the lymphoma is considered bone primary (the lymphoma developed in the bone first) it is even more high risk. They don’t know if I have bone primary lymphoma. We have decided to closely monitor, meaning PET scans every 3 months for a long time, and see what happens. If it does come back, we will catch it early and treat it with radiation.  

What does this all mean to me? Well, it means I am on the right track with my diet. The diet have been transitioning into is believed to have even cured some lymphoma patients. It isn’t a matter of vanity but truly a matter of my life. I am going to help myself live and be healthy, and this is the best way to do that. I had decided this before, but after my last chemo I plan to transition this blog from my cancer experience to my health and diet. I will still talk about some of the few cancer things that I will still deal with, but my focus in my life will be my health and stress management so that will be what my blog will reflect.

This week has been great. I feel wonderful. I am still easily fatigued, but I am going through chemo! I did a lot yesterday and I am tired for it today. It has been so nice to spend time with friends and enjoy some of the nicer weather we have been having! Alan and I spent the day at Lincoln Park and took Loki to the dog park on Monday. The dog park didn’t last long though, Loki just wasn’t into it. It was nice to just hang out in the sun by the water. I got a pedicure and had lunch with my dear friend Jessica. It always a good time with her! I went to a creativity workshop and drinks afterwards with Stacey. I walked around the mall with a new friend, Jesse, who is so amazing and has some damn cute kids!!! My mom and I spent the night with my mother-in-law for some quilting fun.  I went to Whole Foods for the first time and made tons of yummy and organic food! See… what a great week!

I think I will take a nap, get on my elliptical walker for a while, and go watch a movie with my mom. Hope everyone has a great Easter weekend! I promise to blog one more time before what will be my last chemo!!! So excited!

Too long since my last post...

It has been a long week! So much has happened, but I will try my best to recap everything!

Sunday was a great day! It was the day of the Big Climb in Seattle. The Big Climb is a fundraiser for leukemia and lymphoma. People raise money then climb up 69 flights of stairs in Seattle’s tallest building! The wonderful girls at the communications center for KCSO added me as an honorary member of their team! They even got me a team shirt. The amazing part of that was that not one of them had ever met me before they did so. I decided I wanted to go meet them and support them.

Their story was really touching. They had a supervisor who died of lymphoma six years ago. They do the big climb for her every year. Their team shirt is a baseball t-shirt in the Mariners colors because the supervisor loved baseball and the Mariners. The team name is on the back “Forget Me Not” with the number 13 and the team member’s name on the front. They raised something like $2500 at least half coming from a bake sale they held. The bake sale was set up like a posh bakery. It was really professional looking, and there was a lot of care and heart put into it! What an amazing group of women! I was honored by the inclusion and so happy to be able to come and support them!

Here is the whole group!

The atmosphere of the Big Climb was brilliant! There were so many people there. All the team shirts were inspirational and told such incredible stories. There were several teams with shirts with pictures of little children and logos like, “Climb for Kalob” or “Forever in our hearts”. You can see how some of the shirts were just gut wrenching. There were memorial shirts, survivor shirts, hopeful shirts, and everything in between! I have always felt lucky with how things have gone for me, but I never felt luckier than I did looking around me and seeing all the people who have been touched by these types of cancer. It was truly amazing!

After the girls got lined up, Alan and I headed home. I was feeling tired and a little weary; however, after a little rest I was feeling better and decided to go for a walk. That was just silly to do! I wore myself out and I really started to not feel well. That and it made my chemo brain a little worse! I did take a nap though and felt better, kind of; so we went to meet up with the other KCSO team that did the climb (they did it much later in the day) for dinner. My chemo brain was still in effect though as I didn’t even recognize some friends that were there when I first walked in. Nope, I just walked right on past them! It took me about 5 or 6 steps to even realize I just saw someone I knew. I felt really dumb! At any rate, it was nice seeing that team because I knew several people there. My girlfriend, Jessica, did the climb and finished all 69 floors in 14 minutes! Amazing!!!!

I did do too much on Sunday and I was really sick on Monday because of it! I didn’t even want to leave the couch and Tuesday wasn’t too much better. I drank lots of water and ate some of my mom chicken soup made with mineral broth. I was really worried because I had a trip planned for Wednesday! I was going to go on my trip no matter what and luckily I felt much better!

Wednesday, my friend, Amy, picked me up and we headed to Portland! We were going to see Wicked! It was so much fun to take an overnight trip and with her! Amy is one of those friends that is so easy to be around. She laughs so easy and things are always fun when she is there. We talked a lot on the way up, which was great as there was so much to catch up on. We got to the hotel, changed, and headed out for dinner; which was amazing. We got to the theater and were able to check out the orchestra pit. She had never seen a Broadway play before and I think she really loved it. They did a great job! We just wanted to stay and make them do it all over again, but we headed to the hotel for a drink (well, lemonade in my case) instead!

The next morning we went to Edgefield and ate breakfast. The food is always good there! We had a lot of fun just walking around and taking pictures. We have decided to try and get tickets to the Florence and the Machine concert there in July. It is sold out, so we shall see if we can find some within price range on ebay or something.

I also went and saw Little Miss, Lauren, in a little play she did with her acting class. It was super cute! I went to Stacey's afterwards and we got to catch up. It was great to see them. I don't get to see them as often as I wish I could.

My mom and I have also been spending some great time together. We went to my favorite Thai restaurant and had dinner. We have also been watching season one of Game of Thrones so she can watch season two with us starting Sunday. We have had some good talks. We went to see Hunger Games. It has been hard to think that she is leaving in a month. Neither one of us can really talk about that yet.

I bought two more books this week about nutrition. One was based on a recommendation from a friend called, Nourishing Traditions. The other is, The Lean. It will take me time to get through these books, but I am committed to changing my diet this summer. I plan on transitioning slowly so that by the end of summer I am eating whole grains, limited milk products, mostly raw or lightly steamed veggies, and all organic and natural foods. I am determined to do everything I can to prevent from getting cancer again. Some things I can’t control, but others I can. I am never helping cancer again!

I have a busy week coming up! Alan and I have a fun restaurant tour today; I have several planned visits with friends, doctor’s appointments, and much needed fieldtrips to take. I will keep you all posted.  I also finally get to start using my elliptical walker! My focus is now shifting to getting ready for my last chemo and for life after cancer! It is amazing that this journey is almost over. There is no longer light at the end of the tunnel because there is no tunnel. I would be standing in the sunshine, but I live in Washington and the sunshine is available right now, but I will settle for the diffused, gray light of the cloudy daytime! There is less shadow with this type of diffused light and I am ok without shade right now…

Looking back and forward...

Looking back at this experience, I am surprised about the things that have bothered me and what hasn’t. I had no real problem losing my hair, and I accepted the fact I had cancer almost instantly. I surrendered to the process and feel that I did not fight against it. What I did have trouble with was my wheelchair (initially) and I hated causing stress and sadness in my loved ones. Luckily, as things have gone so well and I am so close to the end of this journey, my friend’s and family’s stress and worries have mostly subsided. As for my wheelchair, well the thing I hated the most was getting pictures at special events; like when Alan got Police Officer of the Year for Seatac or when my sister graduated. I hated the idea of looking back at the pictures and only seeing a sick version of myself instead of the amazing events taking place. I don’t want to see the loom of darkness from my cancer in the happy moments. It was the first and only sign of my illness at the time. It was the driving force in the seated Zumba and 2 mile walk on my crutches. I refused to need any assisting devices once I didn’t need that wheelchair anymore!

Cancer has temporarily taken from me, but I look forward to reclaiming what is mine. I can’t wait to get back to work (having my income back would be nice too), start school again, and even getting back to doing the things I love like hiking, dancing, or exercising. Even going up the stairs like a normal human is very appealing to me right now. I can’t help but be excited about the coming summer. It’s a long summer of trips with the girls, camping, weekend trips, going to Tucson to see my family healthy, and going back to the Caribbean!

Today is much better than yesterday, but I haven’t taken my prednisone yet. As of now, I have my normal headache and general feeling of cancer ick. I have found that taking my prednisone half way through breakfast and drinking decaf tea with half and half really helps my stomach and some of the affects I feel from the prednisone.

All in all, I am in a great mood today. The sun is out and not a cloud in the sky right now. Depending on how today goes, I may try to go on a small walk this afternoon. If nothing else, maybe I will get out one of my lounge chairs and sit in the sun in my yard.

PET scan and pictures of chemo 5

Oh happy day! I got my PET scan results today and I am officially tumor free! I have chemo today and my last chemo on April 11. When Dr. Vaka told me, I honestly broke down. I haven’t done that much throughout this whole process, and I have never cried in front of my doctor.  I think she was a little surprised and worried at first. I just couldn’t help it. I felt so relieved and happy. It was just a release of all the concern and worry I have harbored over the last four months mixed with happiness.

For those of you not familiar with the process of chemo, once a patient had a tumor free scan, they will receive two more chemos. Although the tumors are gone, there are usually still “free range” cancer cells floating around in the body.  The two extra chemos ensure the cancer is completely gone and tumors are not formed again.

So I decided to take some pictures of this chemo for you all…

Mom got a headache after getting so excited about our good news. I let her have my bed for a little!



Starting my blog since I had nothing better to do.



The nurse is prepping to get my portacath ready

I am ready to be prepped.



Cleaning me with chloraprep. Can't get an infection at the injection site. That would be bad.



The nurse is giving me lidocaine so the big fricking needle she is about to inject doesn't hurt. 



Yup, that goes into my portacath in my chest.

Inserting the big fricking needle.



All ready for chemo!

Watching Avatar.



Not sure she is seeing any of the movie...maybe the backs of her eyelids! LOL!



Getting started. This is the R in RCHOP.

My nurse, Amy, hooking me up. She was super nice!

The H in RCHOP.

Coming to the end and don't I look lovely????