A little darkness

Orignially posted Feb 15.

I don’t know how to begin this blog post. I guess I want to add a disclaimer here. I am about to show a little of the underbelly of my cancer experience.  This whole time I have operated under the idea that I have to surrender to the process. I have allowed myself to feel what I feel with the caveat that I cannot allow myself to dwell in the darkness of my emotions; acknowledge them, appreciate them, respect them, feel them, but do not dwell. It does no good to allow myself to wallow in pity, anger, despair, fear, or any feelings that do not add to my healing. With that said…

This third chemo has sucked. It has drained me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have reached a point in this process where the days become routine, an endlessly playing loop of the same day of feeling shitty and unable to do anything. I feel at times that I am losing control of my own life. I can’t do anything for myself due to my inability to move around without crutches and carry stuff. Just getting myself a glass of water is impossible. I am completely dependent on my mother to do my cooking, cleaning, errands…everything but shit, shower, and shave. My mother does a great job, but I am totally at her mercy.  I am so limited in what I can do, and every time I leave the house I risk my own health. It is like I am living in the fire without any way to get a break from it. Cancer may take a break from me, but I can never take a break from cancer. It does begin to wear on your soul.

Prednisone is the devil in a pill. Luckily I only have to take it for 4 days after chemo, but the effects last for at least 3 days after the last pill is taken. It makes me feel like someone is twisting my stomach inside itself. I get headaches, weakness, fatigue, loss of appetite, nausea, and neuropathy (numbness) of my finger tips. I feel like I have the flu and it keeps me up at night. It even affects my focus; for example, I have a hard time comprehending what people are saying when I am talking to them on the phone. Once I stop taking it, I start to feel very achy and tender to the touch over my whole body. It literally feels like I am bruised head to toe. I get this weird sensation like my soul is not connected to my body. The worst part is I have to take the pill knowing it is going to make me feel horrible, it is very hard to do.

Let’s use a marathon as an analogy. Right now I am somewhere between 3/8-1/2 the way through chemo, but there are no mile markers to see. My body is starting to become worn down by the effects and it is taking longer to recoup. I am having new and more offensive side effects from the race. I know I have to finish this race, but there is a part of my mind that isn’t even sure it wants to or if I even can. I have come too far to stop, but I still have a long way to go and the remaining distance is unknown. It is hard to move forward.

Please don’t get me wrong here. I feel very lucky. Even though my experience sucks, it could be so much worse. I actually tolerate the chemo better than many people do. I do still feel positive about what my outcome will be and getting my life back on track, but some day are just harder than others to feel that way. I do feel better today than I did yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today; but at the same time I deserve a fuck cancer, this sucks moment.