Free time, CT scans, and a nursey update!

Alan and I have thoroughly enjoyed working the same hours for the first time in our marriage. Since I work every other weekend and have random days off during the week, we still have time to ourselves but get to see each other a lot. It has been so nice to have time off without worrying about school work or things going on in school. We have actually taken time to go out and do stuff. We have especially enjoyed being able to do our walks so often. We are going for a weekend trip this coming weekend.

I had another oncology appointment this week. My scan was clear again! It is hard to think that it really has been a year and a half since I finished chemo! So much has happened and yet it still feels like yesterday. She moved my scans up to every 6 months…which is amazing!!! My next scan should be done in April, but since Alan and I are planning on trying to start our family in April, I will be getting my next scan Feb/Mar time frame. As long as it is clear again the doctor says that we should be good to go and my scans can then be annual. It is all very exciting!

I have 10 days left of my residency! The last two shifts I have had 6 patients. It has been difficult, but I am getting it done. It will be a few more months before I even begin to feel comfortable with that number of patients. It won’t help that I will not have a preceptor to help me in 10 days time, but luckily the girls on my shift are very willing to answer questions. Our charge nurses are usually willing to help out too. Still, to think I will be unleashed onto the public without anymore supervision than any other nurse is freaking me out! Lol. I wouldn’t change it for anything though. It’s just baby chick nursing nerves really.

It is really extraordinary how much I have learned and how far I have come in the last 10 weeks. I would not say that the residency I have gone through is the best residency around. It hasn’t been bad. It has the potential to be so much better of a program; however, I could not imagine coming onto my floor without it. It has been worth every minute. I still have so much to learn.  My charting is getting better though. There are so many things to chart, so much redundancy, and so many different places to chart. You would think they could make it so much easier since it is electronic now. It is getting better though. I still say the best thing are those patients that I really connect with…and the after work, late night happy hours!

Some nursey notes...

Being a nurse is a strange thing so far. On one hand, your hands are tied in so many ways. You have to have an order for everything, even compression stockings. If a patient takes a drug at home they take it, but in the hospital they can’t if it is on their medication administration record. On the other hand, you are free to make clinical judgments and deviate from the plan as needed. They don’t give you a lot of rope, but it is enough to make you a rock star or hang yourself.

One of the very things I have loved so far is the patients! It is true that I will not like all my patients and not all of the patients are going to love me; however, this has not been the case so far. I love that I don’t know their religion, personal politics, or even their views on ham sandwiches. We get to be just a couple of human beings working for the same goal for a few short hours of their lives. They most likely won’t even remember me in a few months from now. So far, most of them just love to talk about their families and pets. I have had some great patients. I have also had some demanding patients, but when you see what they are going through you tend to have some compassion about it. I guess that is easy to do when you only get two patients a day though!

There have been some strange transitions for me with this job. I spent more time at Children’s hospital than anywhere else in my last year of nursing school. They monitor those kids so much that I am not used to just getting one set of vitals at the beginning of the shift. I also was never allowed to give narcotics, so med passes were much regimented and the scheduled meds were scheduled so that you weren’t passing meds back to back hours. That isn’t always the case at TG, but I do find that there are ways to help that as well. I also don’t have parents to work with…for the most part and certainly not in the same way. The patients tend to be a little bigger too…just saying.

Today I go to work and I don’t know who will be my preceptor. I don’t know if they will let me even take patients, although I would think since I have already been taking patients that this would not be an issue. I do hope that the next time I work with my regular preceptors that I will get three patients. I feel ready for it. 

Work, good times, and girl on girl crime!

So much has happened I don’t even know where to start. I am still making the rounds to try to spend time with friends and family. My schedule is way better than school, but my days off vary and my hours are from 3-11:30 pm.  It can be still be a little hard getting my schedule to match with others.  At any rate,

Work…work has been so great. The floor I am assigned to is very busy and can be overwhelming, especially for someone new like me. I have been getting used to how things get done. I will say that there are a few things I am seeing that I don’t like and will try very hard to not take on as a habit when I am done with my residency. I also know that is easier said than done; however, there are many good things I see as well. Regardless, I am so excited that Michelle will be starting soon. I am so excited to be working with her!

 I am very impressed with the CNAs. Most of them are very hard working and really do a great job. I hope to always be the nurse that recognizes them and their work. I never understood people who treat those under them as though they are not as important. CNAs do the work they do so that I have more time to do the things I need to. Often those things are the more time consuming and dirtier jobs. That doesn’t mean I don’t or won’t ever do those things, but I have other things that are needed to be done that only I can do.

BSN…I was accepted into Bellevue College’s RN to BSN program. I will say I was very honored and excited to be accepted; however, I decided it was best to decline at the moment. I have spent the last 4 years giving up a lot of my free time to studying, including studying on vacations, and lived in a constant state of stress trying to make the grades to get into and pass the nursing program. It is so nice to have my free time to myself without worry or extra added stress. Alan is also happy to have is happy go lucky wife back. We are truly enjoying just being together. We also want to start a family. We have to wait until at least April so that I can get my paid maternity leave when the baby comes. I also think that trying to work fulltime, being pregnant/new mom, and going to school would not be the best idea.  The other consideration is that I am a new nurse with a residency and contract to work FTE 0.9 for at least 1 year after my residency. I really want to focus on becoming a great nurse. It is a lot to take on right now. I feel like school would detract from all of that. I have decided that I will take the next couple of years to enjoy life some, start my family, and become great at my job. Those are my priorities right now.

Troutdale…Alan and I headed to our favorite concert venue, Edgefield McMenamin’s , to see Death Cab for Cutie. We are not diehard fans or anything, but we like them enough. We want to go to one concert every summer at Edgefield and that was the one concert we both liked enough to go.  The venue is one of the best outdoor venues either of us has very been to, and the property is super fun. If you ever go I highly recommend going to the outdoor seating restaurant and getting the Cajun tots! They are amazing. We stayed in a hotel over night and got some breakfast at the Black Rabbit. Again…the food there is also very good. We had a great time!

BBQ…I had my BBQ to celebrate all things nursey in my life this summer. It was pretty awesome. There were 2 notable absences, but as they were both really unavailable…they are forgiven! It is really amazing how many people Alan and I have in our lives that support us. We are such lucky people. The weather was just great and Alan did so much to make the day run so well.

On a side note…I am really working hard to become the person I want to be. One thing I am trying to do is be more kind. Part of being more kind is not talking negatively about people and also accepting people for who they are.  It is a work in progress. There are still a couple of people who I still have some negative feelings for or at least have a hard time accepting the things I find negative about them. I am guilty of some girl on girl crime, especially when the hate force flows strong during the ultimate girly time; however, this is not acceptable to me.

I don’t understand why we girls continue to be ok with talking about each other behind each other’s backs or judging each other in such harsh ways. It may feel juicy at the time, but what does it really do to us and our friendships when we do this? I have lost more than one friendship to it. Once you start to judge harshly and talk behind the other person’s back, it isn’t too long before you have talked yourself into not liking that person or have talked someone else into not liking them. One friend in particular I feel I am no longer friends with because their friend did not like me. Instead of this other person coming to talk to me like an adult about any offenses I caused, she just continued to talk about me behind my back while being so very sweet to my face. Before you know it, my friend stopped being so nice to me and it wasn’t long before we were no longer friends. I in turned then was not nice to her behind her back, but in fairness…I wasn’t really nice to her face either.

My point is, why the girl on girl crime? Why do some girls just accept that is the way we are (yes, I was informed of the fact that is is just the way we are) and why does it seem that there is such a resistance to not be this way? When I suggested to a group of girls that maybe we try not to be that way, I was looked at like I was a leper!

Needless to say, I was really taken aback. I even tried to make an example of how I disliked a store, but I didn’t judge people who shop at this store because the fact they shop at this store is inconsequential and just because I have very negative feelings towards the store does not mean I have to have negative feelings towards the people who shop there. I couldn’t even make my point because they were all offended when I mentioned the store…which became very obvious that they all shopped there pretty quickly by their offended looking faces. They did not like feeling judged as I said exactly why I hated the store, but all of them had all just been very judgmental and talking badly about someone else. They had even laughed about being able to judge other people and then talk about it behind their backs at one point in the conversation.  Of course none of them saw the irony in this.

My goal is to not partake in this kind of conversation anymore. I might slip up here and there, but I hope that any true friend of mine calls me on it when I am not meeting my own standard. I would also challenge my friends to also try to give up the negative, gossipy conversations. It is time that we stop beating each other up and start realizing what is it in us that makes us act this way. At the end of the day…the judgments you have and make about others has nothing to do with the people you make them about but is 100% about you. This is the hardest thing to realize and to figure out sometimes.

In between jobs and other such nonsense!

I have less than 4 days until I start my first day of training for my new nursing job! It is all classroom type stuff and I won't even get on the floor for two weeks. I don't mind though. I appreciate the training. We never got that much for clinicals and I always felt that charting took a while to get right because of it. 

 My last day at work as really kind of weird. It was happy and sad. I have learned so much as a phlebotomist and I am walking away with a very good skill to have as a nurse. I have received a lot of support from my coworkers in my endeavors at school and with my health issues. There is a part of me wished I could stay, but I really want to move forward. I have made some very good friends.

I have spent the last few days just trying to get things done and also spend some time with people I haven't seen in a while. I haven't gotten to see everyone...but I am making the rounds. Yesterday I was doing more domestic tasks, but today was more social. I got to hang out with some of my old classmates this morning. We met up for a bite to eat and catch up. It is really nice to spend time with them. I missed them so much.  My second year of nursing school wasn't quite the same without them! Then I met up with a friend from the lab for dinner and a movie. My social calendar is actually full all weekend. I forgot what that was like.

Tomorrow will be the farewell celebration for one of my closest friends. She is moving to Kauai, HI! I am going to miss her so much. She has been such an amazing friend and role model in my life. She calls me on my shit but does it in a way that is helpful and meaningful. She is honest, and lets face it...there are not too many people in this world who are willing to be honest or want honesty back in return. Although I am not losing a friend...I will miss her being so close. I am so happy for her. This is her dream and I think she is one of the bravest people I know to dive head first into the life she dared to dream for herself and not settle for the comfortable and secure. 

I have been doing fairly well with food as of late. I have decided that while I am still in this transitional phase I will not follow a particular diet or exercise program. My goal at the moment is to just make the best decision I can in the moment. What does that mean??? Well, I bought healthy food for home and to take to work and when I am out I will get food that is the healthiest pick for where I am at. Of course, I need to like the food. There is no point in ordering a healthy meal I will not eat, but it needs to be the best I can do for myself. I feel this is going well so far. I have been really tested while out and about the last couple of days, but I have made appropriate choices. Trust me...I could have gone crazy at the french bakery with my girlfriends this morning...but I got a healthy salad and had half a pastry! I even took cherries to the movies for a treat!

Things have not always been so easy and I have had my fair share of difficulties in the last couple of years, but I feel that things are going my way right now. I have been so blessed for the last few months, and I know just how amazing it has been. I feel like I am on the precipice of the person I am becoming. It is scary and exciting at the same time.

Jobs and Dreams!

I GOT THE JOB!!!

I found out that most of the residencies at MultiCare come with the job as long as you pass the residency. What does that mean? That means that I have a job passed the residency!!! I am technically hired for the floor. The residency essentially becomes a great version of on the job training!

To say I am excited is an understatement! It is a good thing that the HR person on the phone could not see me as she told me the details of my new position as a nurse! I am not so sure she would have continued with the conversation! LOL! I was in a fit of random, excited, flailing movements that should only be done in private, if at all!

I count my lucky stars and do not take for granted that I am one of the lucky few. There are still so many of my classmates who have not found job yet, or the jobs they found are less than good. It isn’t all luck that I have a job either. I have done things to try to place myself in the best possible position to get one. I am no more deserving of this job than my cohorts, but I do realize the awesomeness of getting a job less than two weeks after passing the NCLEX.  I could not have dreamed that things would go this well once school was out!

I started this year out with many plans and the big ones are coming into fruition! I do realize that I was overly ambitious with thinking I could accomplish all my plans, which is something I tend to do. I am working on being more realistic with my time, goals, and resources. My list of 34 is going to have to wait. I am going to have many of the things on that list done, but not everything. Not only have some circumstances changed, but I was really unrealistic with what I thought I could accomplish while in school and this summer. It’s ok. I am going to get there. In the end, my intentions are being realized. I am reaching those flying dreams! 

Stress, residency, and Alan's coming home!!!

I am pretty sure that I am now addicted to stress! Seriously, I am not happy if I am not stressing about something. I had 2 days of no stress before I started in about financial planning, remodeling, getting a residency/job, and reorganizing my whole life post school. I have made spread sheets, watched financial videos, and started inquiring about financial advisers from some trusted individuals. That is just for the finance obsession. It doesn’t even cover the other activities I am engaged in with my other stressful obsessions!

I think that nursing school has crossed some wires in my brain. Being under constant stress has become the normal place my body and mind like to be at. It is so unhealthy. The analyzer in me is orgasmic though! All the data collection and trying to organize thoughts and planning! The problem comes in the unknowns and being in a place in which I am unable to follow through with plans at the moment. It causes tension in my shoulders and kind of makes me irritable! The great news is I will be able to start taking steps very soon, so hopefully the stress will start to subside.

I am doing a little better in the last couple of days with my food. I went shopping so I have good things at home to eat. I planned on baking some chicken to add to salads and quinoa bowls last night, so I preheated the oven. Well, I preheated the oven all night! LOL! I got sidetracked by one of my obsessions last night and forgot to bake the chicken. Luckily it was in the refrigerator. When I came to the realization that the oven was still on…I just tossed the chicken in. Waste of energy, but what can a girl do about it after the fact?

Tomorrow I find out about a residency position I have applied for. I am so nervous! It would be such an amazing opportunity. I would have to cancel most of my plans for the rest of summer, but I would be more than happy to do so!

So a nurse residency is usually 12 weeks long. The one I am up for is at MultiCare on the medical/surgical unit. All residencies are a little different, but I will tell you how MultiCare runs their program. My shift will be the night shift (3-11 pm) and I will work throughout the week and every other weekend. I will have classroom training as well as on the job training. I will have a preceptor, very much like my senior practicum at Children’s Hospital. I will start off by shadowing the preceptor and gradually start taking on his/her patients. The goal for both MultiCare and myself is for me to be hired at the end of the 12 week residency. If for some reason they choose not to hire me on the floor my residency was on or I choose not to take the job, I owe them $2,000 for the training. They “loan” me $2,000 for the training. If I get hired, then I have to work on the floor for a year or I have to pay them back at a prorated cost if I leave before the year is up. That is the way it goes! I do not anticipate too much trouble here. If I get the residency, I am sure I will do well and be offered the job. I have to trust that I learned what I needed to for a good foundation and I have always done well in clincials.

Alan comes home today. I can’t wait! He has been gone since Wednesday. He went to Montana with his dad, one of his brothers, and his friend for their annual fishing trip. I am sure Alan will smell wonderful when he gets home! I love when he gets home after his fishing trip. He is so relaxed and really just has a wonderful time. He always has a few funny stories to share. It will be sad when his dad is not able to take that trip anymore. These are cherished memories they are making!

I AM A NURSE!!!!!

I can’t believe I am a nurse! The last few days have been agony.  I had convinced myself that I had failed the NCLEX.  Here is why…

When I took the Kaplan class they told us about the test and how it works. The NCLEX is a computer adaptive test. It looks for a pattern in the way you answer questions to find your competency level. The computer will give you your next question based on how you answer the current one. If you answer correct your next question will be harder or the same level as the one you just answered. If you get it wrong you will be given an easier question. Passing level questions are analysis and critical thinking questions and general pathophysiology questions are not passing level. At about question 45 or 50 I had gotten multiple questions that were “below” the passing level questions. That led me to believe that although I was getting above the passing level questions, that I was not establishing a pattern of competency. I was all over the place; I told myself that it was ok. I had more questions to prove that I was going to be a competent nurse. I settled in for a longer than 75 question test, so when the screen shut off at 75 my heart sank. I thought that I had done bad enough that I didn’t have more than 75 questions to prove I am competent. I checked out of the test center, went to my car, and then I cried. I felt with every cell in my body that I failed that test!

Needless to say, the next 32 hours were just full of stress and anguish. I just wanted to have the results so I could move on. There are “tricks” to knowing if you passed or not and according to those I did pass. I didn’t trust them though. I continued to check the WA Department of Health website to see if my status would change from pending to something else. Imagine my shock when I just errantly checked while stopped at a traffic light to see the word “active” next to my license title and number!!!

Pinning and graduation was wonderful. I almost wish all that happened after NCLEX, but that isn’t realistic anyway. I was so nice to have so many friends and family around to support me. My wonderful in-laws had a BBQ for me. There was even a cake with a red-headed nurse on it! I was truly a wonderful week of celebration. Now that I have passed the NCLEX, there will be a big BBQ in which I plan to invite everyone! 

The last two and a half years…well much longer if you count my prerequisites…have been the biggest roller coaster of my life. I have had some of the highest highs and for sure the lowest lows I have ever had. I sacrificed, toiled, been pushed to my limits more than once and continued to push on to become the person I am today and the nurse I will be tomorrow…but that is the beauty of speed!

Ending a long chapter

Today was much more emotional than I could have even imagined my last day of nursing school ever being. It is amazing that a year and a half ago I wasn’t sure if I would even be around to graduate. I even wondered if I hadn’t wasted my time with nursing school. I spent so much time of the two and a half years leading up to my diagnosis sacrificing my time and effort to nursing school. I didn’t want that to be what I left behind. I didn’t want that to be my last two years on this earth.

 Now, here I am! I am graduating school and have an interview for a residency on Friday. I have a full summer ahead of me with some pretty big and some small plans.  I have my major time sucking, life altering schooling behind me. I can’t believe that school is finally done!

The next week will be so much fun. My family flies in tomorrow. Wednesday will be my pinning. We are going out for an early dinner beforehand.  Thursday, I am having a family celebratory BBQ hosted by my wonderful mother and father-in-law. Friday is my interview and then I graduate that night! It will be a busy week and on top of that, my good friend had her sweet baby girl this morning. It is so amazing how sometimes you live life in the darkest blackness, and sometimes the sun shines and fills you and your life with the warmth of true happiness.

I decorated my graduation cap. I think it pretty much sums up the last few years for me!

Leaning in!!!!

You know...I am still searching for something. I don't know what it is. I still feel like I am not reaching the potential I have in me. I am not living to the fullest. Maybe it is because I am still in school and feel stuck in it. I really can't focus on anything else right now. I have less than 2 months to go, but still. I think that because I should have graduated over 4 months ago, my brain and body are beyond over it already. It wasn't like I took a pleasure cruise during my time off either. Don't get me wrong, I have had great vacations along the way; but chemo was not really the break that would have been nice to have. Except for my medically induced  time off of school, I have been hitting it hard for almost 4 years now. I am really ready to be done!

I have a lot of little nitnoid tasks to accomplish. I need to just spend one day and get them all out of the way! Maybe Monday after class. I have a bunch of things to email people, clinical paperwork to finish, projects to get started, and I have to start the process to take my NCLEX and get my license! I think I will feel better once I am done with that. I won't have some many little nagging things floating around in my brain.

This weekend should be really good. I am going to spend the weekend with my girlfriend and fellow classmate, Michelle. We are going to study all day tomorrow then I am taking her out on the town tomorrow night. I can't wait. I have such a fun night planned. It is going to be a fishy realness extravaganza! Then more studying on Sunday. Hope Michelle can study with a hangover, because girl I am driving!

Things are going very well at my preceptorship! I am loving every minute of it, and can only hope to be one of the few nurses they might hire with an associates instead of a bachelors. One way or another I will work there, even if I have to gain experience and finish my degree first. I will get there.

Alan and I went looking at things for remodeling the house today. It is weird because we are not even sure we will be staying in the house. Some of the things we need to do, but others are things we would like to do if we stay there or might make the house look nicer if we decide to sell. That all depends on where I get a job though. If I get a job in Seattle, we are moving pretty soon. It is questionable if we will move if I get a job in Tacoma, and we won't move if I find something close to here. I need everyone to cross their fingers, toes, whatever you can cross, and prayer to whatever deity you pray to, or send me good vibes that I get a job in Seattle! It will take persistence and maybe even a miracle, but it is what I want.

There is also the opportunity for BSN (bachelors) maybe this September. Bellevue College is going to start a new program in the fall. They are staying pretty tight lipped about it since they have not actually received approval from the state for it yet. I am hoping that I can apply and will be accepted. That I can put on my resume and it could help me get that job I want in Seattle. It also complicates timelines on other things I want to do, but we will work around it best we can. Getting a bachelors is becoming ever more important in nursing.

Well, I have rambled on enough...
Until we meet again hunties!

One year and counting!

Today is a glorious day. It doesn't even matter that the sun will most likely not come out to greet me today. It is my one year anniversary of my last chemo! My care team did their job of getting rid of the stuff, now I need to do my best to keep it from coming back. 

This year has been the proverbial and cliché roller coaster ride. It was different than I thought it would be, you know…picking up the pieces. It was much more difficult that I thought it would be, but it’s ok. I have been and still am up for the challenges of what this life has in store for me.

What have I come out of this with, what have I learned?

I have learned that it is not worth holding a grudge. It’s toxic to my body and my soul. I am still working on this one, but have put my past grudges and resentments behind me. What I am working on is not allowing myself to create new ones. It’s a hard thing to do when I have done it all my life.

I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I love nursing. It is in my very being. I feel at home when I am at my clinical site this quarter. It is the first time I have felt exactly this way in the whole program. I worked really hard to get back to the nursing program and have worked even harder to do well. It hasn’t always been easy, and my stress levels and waist line have taken a hit for it; however, I have less than 3 months to go and the stress level will come down and the so will the waist line!

I am much clearer about what I want in my life; where I want to live, what I want to do, how I want to live, etc. I know who I am, who I want to be, and I know I am on my way. I think that the next year will see a vast improvement in me. This year was about getting my life back together. This next year will be about making that life all it should be. I want to be more daring, live life to the very fullest, to be silly and not afraid to be laughed at, and be more kind and loving. I have been working on these, but I will be better able to lean into it more once I am not so focused on school.

I love so much more deeply than I ever have. The way I feel for the people who have been there for me in the ways that I needed them to throughout all this cancer stuff will never know what they mean to me. I hold these people above all others. I am amazed at the friendships I made and the closeness I found with others. Although there may be a distancing for those who were not there for me the way I needed, there is still a lot of love for those I call friends and family. The bond between Alan and me is more than I could have ever imagined, and I have a completely different bond with my mother than I even knew existed.

I know my dark side better than I thought I would too. I don’t consider this a bad thing. I think that we need to understand that side of ourselves. Knowing that side helps us change what we need to change, but also lets us know when something is wrong before it is a crisis. It has helped me know what I can survive as well. Life isn’t all rainbows and sausages.

More than anything, I am just happy to be here today. I still have so much to offer this world and so much to experience and learn. I am ready to put on my big girl panties and grab life by the cojones!

Mexican food, cupcakes, and nursey stuff

Well, I am doing ok on the healthy front. Yesterday Alan and I had an impromptu date and ate yummy, not healthy food. I'm not sorry about it! We had a great night. We almost always wind up at Poquitos, on Capital Hill. It’s our favorite. 

Then we tried Cupcake Royale for desert. They has some very interesting food items there! I found the compost cupcake fun, but went for the tiramisu cupcake instead. It was really good. Alan and I both really liked the place. Then we ended the night with some good beer at Elysian Brewing on Pike. 

I took a couple of days off of jogging due to starting my clinicals. I am working a 7pm-7:30am shift. It's kind of messing with me. It has been a long time since I worked a 12 hour shift and to do it during the evening whilst the rest of my schedule remains on a day schedule is...interesting. I am definitely NOT 22 anymore! I will start the jogs back up tomorrow.

My clinicals! I had the most amazing night. I will admit to being insecure about doing a preceptorship after not having done med/surg patient care for more than year. I was honestly surprised that I was even selected for a preceptorship, though Alan would say he wasn’t. He always has unwavering faith in me, which carries it’s own intimidation factor. At any rate, I did really well. It was like riding a bike. I did the majority of the patient care while being shadowed by my preceptor for most of the shift. At the end of the night, she told me she was very impressed with how well I did on my first day. Now I need to keep pushing, learning, and make a big impression in hope to get a reference, at a minimum. Hopefully, I may even get a job out of it. I will not hold my breath, but I would love to work there!

Schedule changes and hurt feelings...oh boy!

Yesterday was so nice, I decided to take Loki on our 5 mile walk we do often in the summer. I didn’t even have to wear a sweater. It is so nice to have the sun come out and play with us. We really enjoyed the day.

Today is a different story. The clouds are back, and what warmth the sun offered is now being soaked up by the tops of the cloud cover. It almost doesn’t seem fair that the clouds get all the sun warmth, but what’s a girl to do? I still have to go out and do my jog. I am not looking forward to it, however.

I have my first 12 hour shift at my preceptorship this Saturday. As excited as I am to get started, it is a night shift, 7pm-7:30am. I have been trying to stay up later and sleep a little longer in the morning. It isn’t working out as well as I had hoped. Alan has been getting up for training he is doing in the daytime this week. He isn’t used to having to be quiet. He does do his best, but between me not being used to sleeping while someone else is up and his not quite so ninja like techniques of getting ready, I am up late but also up early. I am tired.

I can’t allow this tiredness to be the excuse not to get my jog in. This is why I am telling you today…to keep me honest and doing it. I don’t want to have to say I didn’t do it tomorrow.  I could easily just lie around and be lazy. I know that is exactly what my body wants to do, but what I am going to do is finish the breakfast I am eating while I am typing this, feed the animals, and then go for my jog. My heart may not be 100% in it, but at least I will be doing it! Besides, Loki will start driving me crazy if I don’t do something with him soon.

Confession time…I have recently had my feelings very hurt by someone about my weight. Look, I get it. I am fat. I haven’t followed through with all the things I want to do, but give me a break. I am trying at least. It isn’t easy for me. I have over 30 years of habits and stress management tools to breakdown and replace while doing what I consider is the most stressful thing I have ever done. Seriously, nursing school is even more stressful than having cancer was. At least with cancer my world stopped and my only focus was myself and getting better. That isn’t true anymore, and it is hard to change my eating and exercise habits when they are what I use to help manage stress.

It doesn’t help when people do and say hurtful things. Actually, it makes it harder when the people who matter are the ones saying and doing the hurtful things. What do I care if someone I don’t know or like calls me fat? I will not have a fair shake with them anyway, but when someone who knows you and knows the struggles you go through and all the great things you achieve does it, it really hurts. Despite all my good qualities and accomplishments, I am still embarrassing to you because I am fat. It’s enough to make a girl want a brownie…or a dozen. It certainly can take the wind out of your sails. Honestly, it has a little, but I am going to move forward and not let my Honey Booboo use my hurt feelings as an excuse to not move forward. That is my MO, my way of rebelling against those types of people. I have this thing inside me that sometimes thinks, “You think I am fat now…you just wait!” But in the end, that only hurts me more.

Enough of my pity party, I have a dog who is not so subtly telling me it is time for his walk and I have to get ready for my day. Have a great day everyone…

A healthy start with hope for a healthy end...literally and figuratively

Well, here I go again. I am at the beginning of my last quarter of nursing school, and like all other quarters I am trying find a way to be healthy, fit, and do what I need to do this quarter. I always tend to overdo it and fail miserably with being healthy and fit. This time I am trying to learn from my past experiences and find that balance I have been looking for. Part of why I failed so hard last quarter was because I was working out 1.5-2 hours 5-6 days a week plus doing our 3 mile walk every day. When you add the time I spent doing that with shopping, cooking, organizing, and packing meals I was not putting enough time to school work. Essentially, I was spending and average 4-5 hours a day just exercising and dealing with food.

Here’s the plan for now. It’s a twofold process. First, I am going to make the healthiest food choices I can. I will allow myself to have some fun on occasion, but for the most part I am looking for nutrient rich food. The food doesn’t have to be fat free or low fat, I just want it to be healthy. Second, I am also going to start jogging. My goal is to jog 3-4 times a week for no more than 30 minutes. My hope is to increase my distance in this time period, but limit myself to the amount of time I workout. I am actually starting with 20 minutes and then moving to 30 minutes as soon as I can go the 20 minutes without stopping. Let’s face it, I am not fit and I feel the need to ease into the jogging a little. Alan and I hope to fit in a long and difficult hike in once a week as the weather and time permits.

With that said, I did do my first day of jogging today. I did better than I thought I would. I think I might even be up to 30 minutes next week. Hopefully today wasn’t just beginners luck! I also spent the weekend shopping and preparing food for the week. I didn’t get it all made, but got enough made that I am doing well. Today is day two for eating well. Alan and I are working hard to support each other and keep each other on the right track. He hasn’t had a diet soda in a month, and really I think that is super awesome!

In the end, I just hope to find a healthy balance in my life. I need to really kick my health into gear, but I need to get through school first. I only have 3 months left.  If I can just find a place where I am taking better care of myself and not letting my grades slip in the process I will be happy.

Plays, foleys, and CT scans

Well, there is a lot going on with me right now. It has been so crazy. Poor Alan has had to deal with my stress too. I don’t imagine that is easy.

I am currently sitting in the waiting room of radiology to get my one year CT scan!!! So exciting that it is so close! I had to get my scan a little early due to the fact we are going on vacation, but it is still nice to know that milestone is right around the corner. I got my class schedule for next quarter and know I have my anniversary day off, so my plan is to go get my survivor tattoo then go get a few drinks!

Clinicals have been strange. I was sick for 10 days! Unfortunately it kept me from going to my first 2 of 4 days at Children’s Hospital. I was really bummed about it. There is some very valuable experience I missed out on, but that is ok…more on why in a bit. I then missed day 3 of 4 because there was an incident on one of the days I missed and my clinical instructor was unable to work with us for week 2. Day 3 was cancelled, but thankfully my theory teacher was able to work with us on day 4. It was a great time, and I learned so much. It was the first time I went to clinical and thought that I wanted to work where I was doing clinical or work in the same type of work as the clinical. It was a steep learning curve since I only had one day and I wanted to take in as much as possible.

I still had to make up work for 3 missed clinical days. My teacher is so awesome! She scheduled me a shadow day with a care coordination nurse at Children’s and a school nurse another day. That way I only have to do one case study. It makes my schedule very full though because there is only one week of school left. I have had to cancel all of my fun plans. Oh well, worse things have happened to me than that!

The other part of my clinical assignment is working in maternity for 3 days. I had my first night last night. I started with mother/baby, which is caring for the mothers and their new babies after delivery, but spent the second half in labor and delivery. I have to say that if I was offered a job in maternity, I would do it. It is definitely an interesting type of nursing. I did not react to it the way I thought I would. I gained a lot of experience though! I saw an epidural given, finally was able to place a foley catheter, helped a new mom with breast feeding, viewed a poor baby that was a fetal demise and had a teach about the nursing aspects of it, and saw firsthand why cesarean sections should be done only when absolutely necessary (why anyone would elect to do that just because is beyond me, but to each their own I guess), needless to say, there were some complications post-surgery that were difficult for the mother to deal with and interfered with mother-baby bonding and feeding. The complications weren’t life threatening and actually the procedure was done well, but the mother did not tolerate the drugs and procedure very well. Also, she was in so much more pain than the other mothers were and her recovery from birth was not nearly as easy a transition from vaginal births.  At any rate, I learned a whole lot. I really loved the nurses we were working with too. Hopefully I will be there for a delivery on our next clinical day!

I found out that I got a preceptorship next quarter on the surgical unit at Children’s Hospital! Ok…so a preceptorship is a senior practicum. When we do clinicals we work with a clinical instructor everyday and are supervised quite a bit. There is not a lot of autonomy. With preceptorship I will have a clinical instructor, but I will only see them a couple of times throughout the process. I will be assigned to a nurse. We will decide which shifts I will work with her, but I do work her scheduled work shifts. I am to take some of her patients and am responsible for total patient care. There are some things no student can do depending on the facility’s policies, but other than that I am the nurse for the patients she/he assigns me. The position is very autonomous, however, it does not have the safety net that we have always had on regular clinical. This will really test my mettle. Hopefully I will make a great impression and I will walk away with a letter of recommendation…or even a job!

One last thing I would like to mention before I sign off is my niece, Sydney, and a play she was the lead role for. She got the role of Annie in Annie Warbucks! We are so proud of her. We were lucky enough to be able to see her a couple of weekends ago. She really held her own. It must be hard to be 9 and the star of the show! That is a lot of pressure. She is a natural though and did such a great job! She stood out on her own and she sang so well. We really enjoyed seeing her. That play was actually one of the better plays she has been in yet, so that made it even more special. I couldn't help but cry at times watching her. It was an exquisite moment!

Well, until next time…

Accomplishing and Accepting!

First off, if you took me up on my challenge of doing something for yourself...how did it go? I have not gotten to quilting yet, but everything else I have either done or have plans for. I am going to try to fit quilting in this next week. 

Wow! What an amazing and yet difficult 3 weeks it has been for me. School has been super crazy. Our schedule last week alone just about killed me. It was busy enough, but I also wound up having to squeeze in an MRI appointment because a mix up at the doctor’s office and had my oncology appointment as well. Everything considered…I feel good about declaring that I kicked serious butt!

My oncology appointment went well. I am still cancer free, and we have made a plan for how to move forward with my follow ups and trying to conceive. She feels comfortable with Alan’s and my plans, which makes me happy. If she were not comfortable with it, I would have to reconsider and the fact she is comfortable means that things are progressing as well as could be. My next appointment will be in April…my one year anniversary of my last chemo and being officially cancer free! I cannot wait!

School has been a challenge so far. There was so much information covered in such a short amount of time. Our first exam covered over 800 pages, or 23 chapters, of information. No I did not learn everything. There is no conceivable way to have learned it all unless you have a super computer brain and/or have photographic memory. I wish I had photographic memory! It sure would make things easier! We also had all of our orientations for clinical. I also had to attend my prenatal/birth class. It was a lot. I still managed an 88% on my test. I am very happy with that, especially when considering all the other things I am trying to accomplish this quarter.

Which reminds me….

I have accomplished all but one of the tasks I needed to accomplish by now! I have lost 5 lbs in the last 10 days. This is especially awesome since I have the propensity to gain weight while in school. I did not have a specific weight loss goal for the last 10 days particularly, but I did want to add 2-3 extra workouts a week and eat better. I have done that. I think my weight loss is a good measure of how well I am doing with those goals. I wanted to pass all my tests for the first 30 days of school (short term goal), and so far so good. I also wanted to find 3 ways of loving myself in a healthy way and incorporate it into my routine somehow. The exercise and eating was one, spending quality time with myself was another, and getting back to photography was the other. I make myself spend at least 15 minutes every day checking in with me, and I have plans to meet up with some other photographers for a photo day in Seattle and to meet up with some old photo buddies for a night out. The one task I have not done well with was from my list of 34. I have not found it easy to try one new recipe a week. I think I might actually revise that to trying a new recipe every two weeks. That seems more realistic with my schedule right now. I might change that back after school is over.

One more thing I have been working on is accepting myself…not just the things I like but the things I don’t like as well. This is actually something I have been doing for a while, but thought that today would be a good day to share a couple of the things I have come to accept. Today’s things are not hard to share…I may share others later. For today my acceptance items are:

 I am a cheesy person. That’s right…I love hallmark cards and cheesy song lyrics. I like gooey romantic gestures and corny quotes. I don’t like it with everything, but deep down my soul is made of proverbial aged gouda and young brie!

I am an emotional sap and can cry at the drop of a hat! This one I really have hated at times, but actually I like being a sap. I have true and deep feelings. I am easily touched by the good in this world be it a simple gesture or one of those cheesy movies I like. I don’t mind showing that vulnerability anymore.

I judge others harshly and lash out when I feel wronged by them. This is something I am accepting in myself, but also working on changing. Just because I accept something about myself does not mean I have to continue to let that be a part of me. This is a defense mechanism I have built in myself for who knows how long and I am learning to let it go. I recognize this feeling and its actions as part of who I have become, but I do not want it to be part of who I am becoming.

All in all, I feel good about where I am right now. I still have a lot of hard work ahead of me in so many facets of my life, but I am looking forward to the challenges. I may not have an impressive house, an awesome car, or even the things I want for myself right now but I am happy. Today, that is all I need!

So that will be my next challenge to you! Have you completely accepted yourself, flaws and all? I may be obese, but I love my body! I am working hard to change it to be better, but I still love it! Can you say the same thing? What is it about yourself that you don't accept and can you find a way to accept it? Or, do you truly accept yourself already? It's something to think about..

A challenge for you!

This year has barely started and I am already up to my neck with all the things I want to do! I have spent the last week learning, soul searching, and planning. It is exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. I will get my body bugg tomorrow! I also plan on getting my first workout of the year done. I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, but as I have just finished my second seminar, went to Year of Your Dreams, starting a new quarter at school, and find myself in a good place to get some things started…now is as good of a time as any to move forward with my plans.

One of the biggest things I am working on right now is finding healthy ways of loving myself. It is easy to forget to do that with school and so many other priorities to just get back to me and doing the things I love. One thing I promised myself is that I would get back to photography. It’s been a long time. I think I needed a grieving period to let go of the dream of the career I so desperately wanted but found it did not work with my situation or the situation of my family. I feel like I am a different person now. I honestly don’t even know what my photographic point of view is anymore. I am looking forward to figuring it all out now!  I also have switched the way I view exercising. I start that tomorrow. It will be 30 minutes of loving myself for sure! LOL…I also want to get back to quilting. I love doing it. Time will be a factor for all these things, but I don’t have to spend a whole day doing it. An hour here or there should be just fine.

I now challenge you! What are the things that you love doing that you have put off? We all do it. Life gets busy with work, kids, house work, etc. The things we love to do for ourselves eventually go out the door with the garbage. I challenge you to spend one hour a week doing something for yourself you haven’t done in a long time that is just for you. You will be surprised how much that will help! I promise.

I have started my next thing on my list of 34! It is something that I will not be able to cross of until the end of the year, but that is ok. My task was to make a new recipe from one of m healthy cookbooks every week. I am making a vegetarian chili from one of my cookbooks tomorrow. Sunday is my cooking day traditionally, but things had to change a little and I am making it tomorrow instead. I did go grocery shopping though and have everything I need. I will let you all know how it goes. One thing I am feeling kind of sketchy about is that it has mushrooms in it. I hate mushrooms, but hey…it’s time to start trying new things and maybe even acquiring a taste for others!

Year of Your Dreams was cool. It really helped motivate me and set up my intentions for the year. Everyone comes up with a “stake” which is kind of like a motto to keep you motivated. Mine is just like me…cheesy, and I love it! Mine is “Future songs and flying dreams” and comes from a song that means a lot to me right now. Really that is what this year is for me…finally accomplishing some dreams, moving forward into a beautiful life, and starting our family. I cannot wait! 

Context, school, and future plans!

There are too many things to tell you all about today! I don’t even really know where to start, but I think I will start with last weekend…

Last Friday, I embarked on the second of three seminars I am doing with Context International. The seminars are meant to help a person find more fulfillment in their life and help the person get better results in their endeavors. What each person gets out of the seminars is different, and you drive what is important to you. I love that. There is not one person I know that could not benefit from going to these seminars!

 I got every bit out of this weekend I could have ever wanted and more. Anyone who knows me knows about my struggles with food, but there are always other struggles I don’t share…believe it or not! Lol. The two seminars I have been to have already enriched my life so much. I have really been able to work on the relationships in my life that have not been so healthy. I have been able to learn different ways of dealing with conflict, and this weekend I feel I found the root of my issues within myself. Now, Context is not therapy, nor are they trying to fix “broken” people. They really are about helping you find the most successful path for you in your life and teaching you how to get back on the path if you wonder off of it. It is through learning about how to best do these things that I had my “Aha” moment.  It was so simple that I even thought to myself, “Well, why didn’t I think of that before?” The truth is going through those exercises really force you to look at you, and through sharing experiences and thoughts with the group you support and are supported by those around you.  It is truly an amazing experience. I felt truly bonded with the people in my group. So many of them are so brave and are truly amazing people.

So what did I find out?

The first thing I found was what my driving needs are. We all have them, and we get those needs met whether we know it or not. Finding what your driving needs are helps a person decide if the decisions they are making are actually beneficial for them or not. If something you choose to do fits your driving needs, then you can get those needs met in a positive, intentional way. If it doesn’t fit your driving needs, is it something you really need to be doing? Some of my driving needs are novelty, creativity, and intimacy. Feel free to ask me the rest of them, if you are interested.

You also figure out your purpose. Knowing your purpose also helps you decide if the decisions you are making are moving you towards your ultimate purpose. Without knowing your purpose, you are like a ship without a sail. Most of us have portions of our purpose together, but many don’t have the full picture. I really liked this portion of the seminar.

Well, I also realized that many of the things I do for or to myself are what I have learned to do to love myself. Many of these things are extremely unhealthy for me physically and/or many times emotionally unhealthy too. For the longest time I have been trying to figure out why I do some of the things I do, even when I hate that I do it. I won’t say it is a compulsion necessarily, but it isn’t too far off. Somewhere down the road, this has become what loving myself is. Knowing this is so powerful to me. I have a new way to see the things I do and am empowered to change it. I felt so hopeless before, but now I am energized and can’t wait to do the work to finally love myself in a healthy way!

This is the analogy that I use to describe my situation. I see my relationship with myself as a dysfunctional mother/daughter relationship. There is the child being loved and cared for and the mother doing the loving and caring. The mother part of me has indulged the child. The child has become the spoiled brat who wants whatever she wants when she wants it. I even named the child…her name is Honey Booboo! That’s right! She is the self-indulgent, undisciplined, bratty princess living inside me. It is time for the tough love! The work will still be hard, but this makes it a little easier for me to know what the root cause is.

So enough of the Context talk…let’s talk SCHOOL!

I have my first day of the quarter yesterday. This first 3 weeks are going to be horrible! It’s ok though. I will be fine, it will just be very time consuming. I won’t have time for anything else but school for a little while, but all things are temporary, right? I am really excited though. This is the mother/baby-pediatric section of school. I am invested now for two reasons. I want to work pediatrics, so of course I am interested in the material and experiences I will get this quarter with that. We don’t really touch base on any oncology, but that is ok. I will get there in the real world anyway. Of course I am interested in the mother/baby portion, especially now that Alan and I decided to start trying to have a baby in the fall. It is all so exciting. I really have vested interest in what we are learning this quarter! It is going to be great. I am so looking forward to doing clinicals too.

Also…I have some more old friends in my class now!!! So exciting! A few people from my old class who had to leave the program for one reason or another have landed in my current class! I love it. There are a couple of people in my new class who are nice to me, but for the most part this class really has not accepted me into their ranks. Our class was kind of the same with people who came in from a class ahead of ours, so I don’t hold any ill will towards my new classmates. It is so nice though to have some old friendly faces…especially Bob! I love Bob!

One last thing and then I will stop rambling on! I made my memory jar! It is the first thing on my list of 34 that I accomplished. It didn’t turn out like I wanted it too, but it will do the job. That is one thing I am working on…not putting off doing something because I can’t do it the way I wanted.  I did have to revise my list since Alan and I made the decision of starting our family, but I only had to change one thing. Not too bad.  So I will leave you with my updated list of 34 and wish you all a happy 2013!

My 34

1.       Can a food product (learn to can food)

2.       Take a cake decorating class

3.       Visit a mosque

4.       Go to Amerawcan Bistro

5.       Learn to knit something besides a simple scarf

6.       Go skydiving

7.       Make an herb garden

8.       Do a photography project over the summer

9.       Learn to belly dance

10.   Start my healthy living support group

11.   Carve Alan’s and my initials in a tree with a heart

12.   Prank someone…and hopefully not start a prank war

13.   Rearrange and decorate my house

14.   Go camping somewhere new

15.   Do something meaningful and significant for someone without taking credit or getting acknowledged

16.   Go vegetarian for one month

17.   Make my own melted crayon art

18.   Get involved with or raise money for the Ronald McDonald House

19.   Try a new recipe a week from my healthy cookbooks

20.   Attend the marriage of a gay couple!

21.   Make a memory jar for 2013 completed Jan 1, 2013

22.   Find out how to get involved with the local community theater

23.   Start learning how to play my keyboard

24.   Party hard for the celebration of my 1 year after chemo anniversary

25.   Write a letter to my parents to tell them exactly how I feel

26.   Go to Ballard Lochs

27.   Do a double under 5 times in a row

28.   Get to and maintain my ideal weight

29.   Go to the farmers market and try 3 different veggies I have never had before

30.   Read a book series I have not read and not feel guilty that I should be studying instead!

31.   Go tubing!

32.   Find a job

33.   Do a 5k run

34.   TTC – try to conceive